Missing Mikayla: Five Minute Friday: Hold

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Five Minute Friday: Hold

Linking up for five minutes of free-write - come join us!

Prompt of the week -- Hold

GO
I can't wait. I am counting down the days until I get to hold this little life that is growing inside me. I know right now I get to hold this baby in my womb, and I already hold love for this baby in my heart, but the moment I get to hold a squirming bundle in my arms....that is what I dream of (literally!).

I never held Mikayla. That is one of my biggest regrets. I saw her, looked at her briefly, and then the doctor said something about sending "the fetus" for testing in the lab, and despite my heart crying out for my baby girl I couldn't make the words come out of my mouth. So they took her off to the lab, and I never got my chance to hold her in my arms.

Since then I have taken every opportunity I can to hold June Bug. Every night when I send her off to bed, I crawl in with her and just hold her until she falls asleep. I ignore the work that needs to get done, the dishes I should be washing, the emails I need to reply to, and I just hold her while she drifts off to dreams, while she holds her "Baby Sissy Bear".

I dream of another day, too. I dream of the day that my heavenly Father will take me in His arms and hold me and wipe away every tear from my eyes.

STOP

6 comments:

Anonymous11:05 PM, September 18, 2014
Heart stopping-ly beautiful. Thank you for sharing your intimate heart.
Blessings and prayers for you.
Andrea
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Anonymous12:17 PM, September 19, 2014
May those days be as you long for them to be and may your children, all your children, know how blessed they are with such a loving mother.

Juliet
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Anonymous8:30 PM, September 19, 2014
Oh how beautiful. Thank you for such honest, heartfelt and hope-filled words. I'm glad you are a part of FMF! I look forward to connecting with you here.
Blessings,
Renee
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Mikayla's Story

I found out I was pregnant in December of 2013. We told family at Christmas, and everyone was so excited, especially June Bug. She had been praying for a baby brother for about 2 years. Everything was great until at almost 15 weeks, I started bleeding. I was told it was due to a placenta previa. I was put on pelvic rest and told to take it easy.

Then at almost 19 weeks, I had 2 pretty big bleeding episodes, passed some huge blood clots, and apparently ruptured my membranes, because the scan they did the next morning showed almost no amniotic fluid. The doctors said I would most likely miscarry in the next 48 hours, and they might have to do surgery on me if they couldn't control the bleeding. I stayed in the hospital 4 days not even allowed to get out of bed. The doctors were surprised we made it that far, and let me go home on bed rest. Again all looked okay, and though I was still spotting, baby was still going strong and kicking. During this time we learned baby liked hot chocolate and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. My husband and daughter both got to feel kicks, and we were hopeful for a miracle.

At 21 weeks 5 days, I had an upset stomach after dinner. I thought it was something I ate, and after drinking some mint tea and lying down for a while I felt better. At 3am the next morning I woke up and was having strong contractions. We went to the ER, and called some friends to take our daughter.

The ultrasound showed no heartbeat. About 2 hours later our baby was born still on April 13.

I am still trying to sort out my emotions about it all. I am thankful that our little Mikayla Sophie (Who is like God in His wisdom?) never knew pain or suffering, but went from being enveloped in my motherly love in my womb, to being enveloped in God's fatherly love in His arms. I am thankful for those extra weeks I got to carry her and get to know her and feel her and shower her with love. And most of all I am thankful for the comfort that comes from knowing I will see my Mikayla again. That though I am missing her now, it is only temporary, and my current trials are not even worth comparing to the future glory that will be revealed! The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord!