Missing Mikayla: away

Friday, October 31, 2014

Day 31 and FMF:The God who Never Leaves

GO:

I will never leave you nor forsake you.

Some people ask, where was God? Where was God when I was hurting, sick, in pain? Where was God when my loved one left this earth too soon? Where was God when my heart was shattered into pieces?

I know my God is here. I know He never left me nor forsook me. I know He was holding my tight the night my world fell apart.

Some ask what kind of God would take away a baby that was loved and wanted and precious and perfect?

I know that God works all things together for good. I know He always has a plan. I know my babies are not suffering, but are rejoicing and worshiping around the throne of heaven! What kind of God gives us that opportunity to be with Him in glory!?!

He has never left my side. He has never let me down. He has never forsaken me. He has held me when I cried and filled my heart with peace and joy when I thought I would never feel those things again. True healing can only come from the great Physician.

I read in a novel the other day that there are 5 kinds of healing: healing of our immune systems constantly fighting off illness, healing through medical treatment, truly miraculous healing, healing of our hearts and attitudes even as our bodies continue to suffer, and finally the ultimate healing of dying and being given a new glorious body that will never be in need of healing again. My babies have been given ultimate healing, while my grief is being healed in the fourth way - my heart and attitude are slowly but surely looking more toward Christ and less at the horrible pain left behind after loss.

STOP.

Just a note - I found a new doctor. I love my new doctor. Seriously, even though he is expensive, he is worth every penny. He has ordered a whole new set of tests to try to find answers, and has given me a game-plan for what to try even if we don't get any answers, he's ready to throw everything he's got at me in hopes something will work. And after basically being told it was all a big fluke so we'll just watch and see, someone who is willing to DO SOMETHING is a breath of fresh air! And, since I just started my first cycle after losing Selah, it's time to try again! Praying that God will give us the desire of our hearts soon; praising Him in all things.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Day 14: Away

Well, on day 14 of 31 Days of Healing, Kate's prompt was actually quite appropriate because I was literally away, so I'll do 2 posts today to make up and get back on track.

5 minutes on the word AWAY.

GO:

My babies have gone away. Nothing can bring them back.

But my God is still here. He has always been here. He will always be here. My God will never go away. I might feel like God is distant, or I am distant from God, but really He is always near and it is only my perspective that changes.

My love for my babies will never go away. His love for me will never go away.

"I love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my babies you'll be!" ~Robert Munsch

STOP

but never stop. Never stop going to the heavenly father with prayer and petition and thanksgiving. Never stop remembering. Never stop loving.

Mikayla's Story

I found out I was pregnant in December of 2013. We told family at Christmas, and everyone was so excited, especially June Bug. She had been praying for a baby brother for about 2 years. Everything was great until at almost 15 weeks, I started bleeding. I was told it was due to a placenta previa. I was put on pelvic rest and told to take it easy.

Then at almost 19 weeks, I had 2 pretty big bleeding episodes, passed some huge blood clots, and apparently ruptured my membranes, because the scan they did the next morning showed almost no amniotic fluid. The doctors said I would most likely miscarry in the next 48 hours, and they might have to do surgery on me if they couldn't control the bleeding. I stayed in the hospital 4 days not even allowed to get out of bed. The doctors were surprised we made it that far, and let me go home on bed rest. Again all looked okay, and though I was still spotting, baby was still going strong and kicking. During this time we learned baby liked hot chocolate and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. My husband and daughter both got to feel kicks, and we were hopeful for a miracle.

At 21 weeks 5 days, I had an upset stomach after dinner. I thought it was something I ate, and after drinking some mint tea and lying down for a while I felt better. At 3am the next morning I woke up and was having strong contractions. We went to the ER, and called some friends to take our daughter.

The ultrasound showed no heartbeat. About 2 hours later our baby was born still on April 13.

I am still trying to sort out my emotions about it all. I am thankful that our little Mikayla Sophie (Who is like God in His wisdom?) never knew pain or suffering, but went from being enveloped in my motherly love in my womb, to being enveloped in God's fatherly love in His arms. I am thankful for those extra weeks I got to carry her and get to know her and feel her and shower her with love. And most of all I am thankful for the comfort that comes from knowing I will see my Mikayla again. That though I am missing her now, it is only temporary, and my current trials are not even worth comparing to the future glory that will be revealed! The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord!