Showing posts with label Faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Faith. Show all posts
Sunday, June 28, 2015
FMF: Dream
Dreams.
Dreams can mean things we see while we are sleeping. I have strange dreams while pregnant, like the one where my husband turned into a giraffe...
Dreams can mean things we wish for or hope for. Right now my dream is to hold a living, breathing, squirming, screaming baby in my arms and actually get to bring her home.
Dreams can turn into nightmares. I've lived through two of that kind. Twice I have dreamed of bringing home a new baby and ended up with empty arms and two holes in my heart.
I find in these last few weeks of pregnancy that the fear is beginning to creep up again. I do not want this beautiful dream to change into a fearsome nightmare yet again. I find myself over-analyzing every tiny symptom, questioning whether or not I should go in to Labor and Delivery for each little thing.
I am having to remind myself several times daily that I need to choose FAITH over FEAR. I need to hold on to the beautiful dream, and take the nightmare I fear to the Lord in prayer and leave it at His feet. I need to repeat Philippians 4:6 to myself again and again: Do NOT be anxious about ANYthing, but in EVERYthing by prayer and petition, with THANKSgiving, present your requests to God.
Saturday, May 16, 2015
FMF: Following Jesus
Joining Kate for another Five Minute Friday
Follow:
As a child, I used to read the verse, "take up your cross and follow me," and I never really understood what it meant. I used to think it was very strange. As I grew I started to understand it a bit better, as I had to bear things like ridicule from non-Christian friends, and being left out of things that happened on Sunday mornings because my family went to church every Sunday without fail unless you were home sick in bed.
Now in my adult life, I am learning a whole new meaning to the phrase, "take up your cross and follow me."
I am learning that every single one of us has a cross to bear. We were given it at conception in our mothers' wombs along with the sin-nature that was handed down from Adam. We all have to bear that symbol of death and destruction due to sin.
We don't have a choice what our particular cross looks like. For me, it partly looks like saying good-bye to my precious babies. For my cousin it partly looks like raising four preschoolers one of which has special needs including a feeding tube. For my college roommate and dear friend it partly looks like losing her father as a teenager. For a dear friend and colleague this week it partly looks like holding her mother's hand in the hospital not knowing if she will ever come home on earth or if it is her time to go home to heaven.
We do not have a choice whether or not we will bear a cross, and we do not have a choice what our particular cross might look like each day, but we do have a choice of what to do with our cross. Some choose to buckle under the weight of carrying our crosses ourselves, barely inching along life's road weighed down, tired, and discouraged. Others choose to try to ignore their crosses, paint them up fancy and disguise them to look like something else. Some might just plunk their cross down in the dirt and refuse to go on.
Me, I have chosen to daily pick up my ugly, heavy, pock-marked cross, and follow Jesus. I follow Him because He bears my cross alongside me, shouldering the heavy load. I follow Him because He doesn't disguise it or ignore it, but rather promises to one day exchange it for a crown of glory. I follow Him because He gives me strength to put one foot in front of the other, even when I cannot see where the road I am walking goes up ahead, and I am surrounded by darkness.
And one day when I get that crown of glory, I will lay it down again at His feet and I will be able to say with that great hymn, "All the way, my savior led me!"
Monday, March 30, 2015
The Mingling of Hope and Grief
Yesterday was Palm Sunday.
Last year on Palm Sunday I was in the hospital recovering from labor. I spent most of the day either in numb shock, or curled in a ball bawling my eyes out wishing I had died too.
This year I was at church, and only cried twice; when we sang songs about Jesus overcoming death.
Jesus overcame death. Mikayla's death has been conquered, destroyed, overthrown. She is alive and well. Selah, too. Not alive in my arms, but alive nonetheless.
Right now I am 22 weeks pregnant. I am a handful of days past the point where Mikayla left my womb for heaven. Mikayla's 1st heaven day is coming soon, and this Easter season will probably forever bring with it reminders of my sweet girl gone too soon. It's been an emotional week, and will probably continue to be an emotional time until I make it past April 13th.
And yet, the emotions are not all bad. The cup is not only full of grief. There is a sweetness to it as well. A sweetness that my babies are enjoying the wonder of heaven. A sweetness that this new little girl is wriggling around inside of me healthy and strong. A sweetness in knowing that nothing can ever separate us from the love of God. A sweet hope that all things are indeed working together for good.
So despite the triggers of grief that rip the scabs off my healing heart and cause the sorrow to flow once more, I grasp hold of the glorious promise that God is the healer, the giver and keeper of life, and I cry "Hosannah! Hosannah! Blessed is the one who comes in the name of the Lord!" and the prayers flow out of my lips as the tears flow down my cheeks and the hands are lifted high in praise to the God who knows the pain of watching your child die, and the God who brings life out of death.
Last year on Palm Sunday I was in the hospital recovering from labor. I spent most of the day either in numb shock, or curled in a ball bawling my eyes out wishing I had died too.
This year I was at church, and only cried twice; when we sang songs about Jesus overcoming death.
Jesus overcame death. Mikayla's death has been conquered, destroyed, overthrown. She is alive and well. Selah, too. Not alive in my arms, but alive nonetheless.
Right now I am 22 weeks pregnant. I am a handful of days past the point where Mikayla left my womb for heaven. Mikayla's 1st heaven day is coming soon, and this Easter season will probably forever bring with it reminders of my sweet girl gone too soon. It's been an emotional week, and will probably continue to be an emotional time until I make it past April 13th.
And yet, the emotions are not all bad. The cup is not only full of grief. There is a sweetness to it as well. A sweetness that my babies are enjoying the wonder of heaven. A sweetness that this new little girl is wriggling around inside of me healthy and strong. A sweetness in knowing that nothing can ever separate us from the love of God. A sweet hope that all things are indeed working together for good.
So despite the triggers of grief that rip the scabs off my healing heart and cause the sorrow to flow once more, I grasp hold of the glorious promise that God is the healer, the giver and keeper of life, and I cry "Hosannah! Hosannah! Blessed is the one who comes in the name of the Lord!" and the prayers flow out of my lips as the tears flow down my cheeks and the hands are lifted high in praise to the God who knows the pain of watching your child die, and the God who brings life out of death.
Thursday, January 29, 2015
FMF: Waiting in Faith
Joining in for a 5 minute Friday free-write with Kate and the gang
Prompt of the week: WAIT
GO:
I can't wait!
I can't wait until I can feel this tiny baby moving and kicking and reassuring Mama that all is well.
I can't wait until this awkward little bump grows big enough that I look pregnant and not just bloated or fat.
I can't wait to find out if June Bug, Mikayla, and Selah are getting a baby brother, or another sister.
I can't wait to be waddling around big and pregnant, complaining about back aches and cankles.
I can't wait to have a baby shower and wash all the tiny precious onesies and sleepers and itty-bitty mittens and socks.
Most of all I can't wait until a doctor places a screaming bundle of life into my arms and gives congratulations instead of condolences.
In the meantime: faith, not fear. FAITH, not fear. That is my mantra for 2015, and I repeat it to myself every time the enemy creeps in and whispers that maybe I can't trust God because after all, didn't He let me down before?
In the waiting place, FAITH, not fear.
STOP
Prompt of the week: WAIT
GO:
I can't wait!
I can't wait until I can feel this tiny baby moving and kicking and reassuring Mama that all is well.
I can't wait until this awkward little bump grows big enough that I look pregnant and not just bloated or fat.
I can't wait to find out if June Bug, Mikayla, and Selah are getting a baby brother, or another sister.
I can't wait to be waddling around big and pregnant, complaining about back aches and cankles.
I can't wait to have a baby shower and wash all the tiny precious onesies and sleepers and itty-bitty mittens and socks.
Most of all I can't wait until a doctor places a screaming bundle of life into my arms and gives congratulations instead of condolences.
In the meantime: faith, not fear. FAITH, not fear. That is my mantra for 2015, and I repeat it to myself every time the enemy creeps in and whispers that maybe I can't trust God because after all, didn't He let me down before?
In the waiting place, FAITH, not fear.
STOP
Sunday, January 25, 2015
My Letter to Grief
I got the idea for writing a letter to grief from Kate Motaung, who encouraged readers to write their own letters. I began this letter several weeks ago, but it got to be too raw, and I had to back away for a bit, but I came back today feeling ready to tackle it. So here goes.
Dear Grief,
Over the past nine months I have tried holding you at arms length. I have tried bringing you in for a snuggle session. I have tried ignoring you and trying to pretend you were never there. I have gotten angry at you. I have coddled you like a newborn kitten and fed you until you became a tiger who nearly turned to devour me. I have researched you. I have tried to plumb your depths. I have ridden out your waves, even when I nearly drowned. You could not take me under.
Grief, you came into my life that early morning in the Emergency Room of the local hospital when I stared at the screen of the ultrasound machine, eyes searching for my wiggly baby and only finding a still stone instead. Strange that there should be a stone there. Where was my baby? Was she hiding? There must be some mistake. And then when I should have been hearing the delightful wild-stallion cantering clip-clop of her precious heartbeat, there was only silence. And I knew. I knew she was gone, and you crept in and made yourself known. An unwelcome guest in a place that should have been filled with hope and reassurance. You showed your ugly head that morning.
You weren't through with me yet. In fact, you were only getting started. You embraced me as I was caught in the throes of contractions which should usher forth life, but instead were only bringing forth death. You held me as my precious daughter slipped into this world silent and still, when the only cries were that of a mother whose heart was ripped in two.
You were gracious to me those first few weeks. You let me ignore you for a bit; hold you away from me. But slowly, slowly, bit by bit you wormed your way in. You twisted into my heart and left it open and raw and bleeding. Scabs have formed now, but every so often you like to come and rip the scabs off as well, bringing up all the pain all over again.
You've been a constant shadow to me these nine months, sometimes almost disappearing for brief times when the joyful sun shines so brightly straight ahead that I can ignore you for a while. At other times you stretch large and spooky and make me want to hide under the covers like a frightened child. Especially now, that new life is growing in my womb. Now I am scared of you more than ever. I know your full power, and I don't want you coming close again. And yet I am powerless to stop you.
But I don't have to. I can live with you. I can let you come and go, ebb and flow, because I know that there is one in me who is greater than you or anything else in the world. He beat death. And because He beat death, He will one day banish you, grief, forevermore.
So I can close my eyes tonight, snuggle with my pillow, and sleep in peace knowing that though you can be so all-encompassing some days, you are merely a constant companion until the day I see Jesus and He strips you off of me and clothes me instead in pure joy.
Until then,
A Grieving Mama choosing to live by FAITH, not fear
Dear Grief,
Over the past nine months I have tried holding you at arms length. I have tried bringing you in for a snuggle session. I have tried ignoring you and trying to pretend you were never there. I have gotten angry at you. I have coddled you like a newborn kitten and fed you until you became a tiger who nearly turned to devour me. I have researched you. I have tried to plumb your depths. I have ridden out your waves, even when I nearly drowned. You could not take me under.
Grief, you came into my life that early morning in the Emergency Room of the local hospital when I stared at the screen of the ultrasound machine, eyes searching for my wiggly baby and only finding a still stone instead. Strange that there should be a stone there. Where was my baby? Was she hiding? There must be some mistake. And then when I should have been hearing the delightful wild-stallion cantering clip-clop of her precious heartbeat, there was only silence. And I knew. I knew she was gone, and you crept in and made yourself known. An unwelcome guest in a place that should have been filled with hope and reassurance. You showed your ugly head that morning.
You weren't through with me yet. In fact, you were only getting started. You embraced me as I was caught in the throes of contractions which should usher forth life, but instead were only bringing forth death. You held me as my precious daughter slipped into this world silent and still, when the only cries were that of a mother whose heart was ripped in two.
You were gracious to me those first few weeks. You let me ignore you for a bit; hold you away from me. But slowly, slowly, bit by bit you wormed your way in. You twisted into my heart and left it open and raw and bleeding. Scabs have formed now, but every so often you like to come and rip the scabs off as well, bringing up all the pain all over again.
You've been a constant shadow to me these nine months, sometimes almost disappearing for brief times when the joyful sun shines so brightly straight ahead that I can ignore you for a while. At other times you stretch large and spooky and make me want to hide under the covers like a frightened child. Especially now, that new life is growing in my womb. Now I am scared of you more than ever. I know your full power, and I don't want you coming close again. And yet I am powerless to stop you.
But I don't have to. I can live with you. I can let you come and go, ebb and flow, because I know that there is one in me who is greater than you or anything else in the world. He beat death. And because He beat death, He will one day banish you, grief, forevermore.
So I can close my eyes tonight, snuggle with my pillow, and sleep in peace knowing that though you can be so all-encompassing some days, you are merely a constant companion until the day I see Jesus and He strips you off of me and clothes me instead in pure joy.
Until then,
A Grieving Mama choosing to live by FAITH, not fear
Saturday, December 20, 2014
Five Minute Friday: Adore
I've been battling first-trimester exhaustion and morning sickness lately, so haven't had as much time to write. Trying to get back into the swing of things now that I'm officially on vacation for Christmas - yay!
Topic of the week over at Kate's: Adore
GO:
Oh, come let us adore Him. Oh, come let us adore Him. Oh, come let us adore Him, Christ the Lord.
When you hear the word "adorable" what is the first thing you think of? Sweet puppies, cute kittens, squishy newborn babies? When the shepherds and wise men went to adore Jesus, he was probably pretty adorable by that understanding of the word.
I bet you don't think about blood, or gore. You don't think about nails being driven into human flesh, or someone being spat upon. You don't imagine a spear being driven into someone's side. Or if you do, you might want to see a psychiatrist!
When we look at what the word adore actually means; love or respect deeply, worship, venerate, cherish, revere; we see that the word applies just as much to the crucified Christ as it does to the baby in the manger. Jesus, who took on flesh at Christmas time as an adorable baby, lived the perfect life so that He could be our atoning sacrifice. He was despised, rejected, beaten, tortured, and ultimately killed in a horrific manner, all in my place. In your place. In our place.
If that isn't worthy of adoration, I don't know what is.
STOP.
Saturday, November 8, 2014
FmF: Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Joining 5 minute Friday for 5 minutes of free-writing on the word: TURN
GO.
Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace.
Yesterday my boss started a meeting with a devotional (I work in a Christian workplace) about trusting. It said we often fail to trust because we want answers, we want to feel in control, and we want to know what is coming next. It also said the Holy Spirit in our hearts can help us turn to Jesus and think trusting thoughts.
It definitely hit close to home, because one of my biggest struggles these past 7 months has been finding the balance between faith and action. I tell myself I trust God, but I long for and search for answers. I say I trust God, but I also look for another doctor who I can trust. I want to TRUST God, but I want to DO something to avoid future pain.
My prayers today have turned 180. I am not praying for answers or action plans today. I am praying that the Holy Spirit would help me to turn my eyes upon Jesus.
GO.
Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace.
Yesterday my boss started a meeting with a devotional (I work in a Christian workplace) about trusting. It said we often fail to trust because we want answers, we want to feel in control, and we want to know what is coming next. It also said the Holy Spirit in our hearts can help us turn to Jesus and think trusting thoughts.
It definitely hit close to home, because one of my biggest struggles these past 7 months has been finding the balance between faith and action. I tell myself I trust God, but I long for and search for answers. I say I trust God, but I also look for another doctor who I can trust. I want to TRUST God, but I want to DO something to avoid future pain.
My prayers today have turned 180. I am not praying for answers or action plans today. I am praying that the Holy Spirit would help me to turn my eyes upon Jesus.
Friday, October 31, 2014
Day 31 and FMF:The God who Never Leaves
GO:
I will never leave you nor forsake you.
Some people ask, where was God? Where was God when I was hurting, sick, in pain? Where was God when my loved one left this earth too soon? Where was God when my heart was shattered into pieces?
I know my God is here. I know He never left me nor forsook me. I know He was holding my tight the night my world fell apart.
Some ask what kind of God would take away a baby that was loved and wanted and precious and perfect?
I know that God works all things together for good. I know He always has a plan. I know my babies are not suffering, but are rejoicing and worshiping around the throne of heaven! What kind of God gives us that opportunity to be with Him in glory!?!
He has never left my side. He has never let me down. He has never forsaken me. He has held me when I cried and filled my heart with peace and joy when I thought I would never feel those things again. True healing can only come from the great Physician.
I read in a novel the other day that there are 5 kinds of healing: healing of our immune systems constantly fighting off illness, healing through medical treatment, truly miraculous healing, healing of our hearts and attitudes even as our bodies continue to suffer, and finally the ultimate healing of dying and being given a new glorious body that will never be in need of healing again. My babies have been given ultimate healing, while my grief is being healed in the fourth way - my heart and attitude are slowly but surely looking more toward Christ and less at the horrible pain left behind after loss.
STOP.
Just a note - I found a new doctor. I love my new doctor. Seriously, even though he is expensive, he is worth every penny. He has ordered a whole new set of tests to try to find answers, and has given me a game-plan for what to try even if we don't get any answers, he's ready to throw everything he's got at me in hopes something will work. And after basically being told it was all a big fluke so we'll just watch and see, someone who is willing to DO SOMETHING is a breath of fresh air! And, since I just started my first cycle after losing Selah, it's time to try again! Praying that God will give us the desire of our hearts soon; praising Him in all things.
I will never leave you nor forsake you.
Some people ask, where was God? Where was God when I was hurting, sick, in pain? Where was God when my loved one left this earth too soon? Where was God when my heart was shattered into pieces?
I know my God is here. I know He never left me nor forsook me. I know He was holding my tight the night my world fell apart.
Some ask what kind of God would take away a baby that was loved and wanted and precious and perfect?
I know that God works all things together for good. I know He always has a plan. I know my babies are not suffering, but are rejoicing and worshiping around the throne of heaven! What kind of God gives us that opportunity to be with Him in glory!?!
He has never left my side. He has never let me down. He has never forsaken me. He has held me when I cried and filled my heart with peace and joy when I thought I would never feel those things again. True healing can only come from the great Physician.
I read in a novel the other day that there are 5 kinds of healing: healing of our immune systems constantly fighting off illness, healing through medical treatment, truly miraculous healing, healing of our hearts and attitudes even as our bodies continue to suffer, and finally the ultimate healing of dying and being given a new glorious body that will never be in need of healing again. My babies have been given ultimate healing, while my grief is being healed in the fourth way - my heart and attitude are slowly but surely looking more toward Christ and less at the horrible pain left behind after loss.
STOP.
Just a note - I found a new doctor. I love my new doctor. Seriously, even though he is expensive, he is worth every penny. He has ordered a whole new set of tests to try to find answers, and has given me a game-plan for what to try even if we don't get any answers, he's ready to throw everything he's got at me in hopes something will work. And after basically being told it was all a big fluke so we'll just watch and see, someone who is willing to DO SOMETHING is a breath of fresh air! And, since I just started my first cycle after losing Selah, it's time to try again! Praying that God will give us the desire of our hearts soon; praising Him in all things.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Day 29: Words that Unite
Day 29 of 31 days of Healing, I'm joining up today with incourage to share that words matter!
Words are things that can bring people together or tear people apart. Going through my journey post-loss, I have seen numerous posts by various people of things to say or not to say to someone who has recently lost a child or baby. Words can encourage and build up, healing a broken heart, or they can tear down and add to the already overwhelming weight of a loss.
I will not offer a list of phrases to say or avoid, but I will say that words are very important. Speak to me. Speak the names of my babies. Do not skirt around the issue, because words shared with a friend can be a healing balm. Listen to me. Let me share my story. Let me put my love into words and paint a picture in your mind of the precious life I carried, though you never got to meet my baby.
I have been blessed by words shared by others, words that unite, words that let me know I am not alone, and the emotions that are boiling over in my heart are a normal and natural reaction from the intense fire of saying goodbye. Words that let me see the beauty that can blossom from the ashes. Words that give me hope for myself that the fire will not always be such a fierce and painful thing, but will settle down to a pleasant warming of love.
I offer up my own words here, both for myself and for others. I have always needed to process feelings through words, but I also hope and pray that my words might also bless those who read here as I have been blessed by the words of others. Most of all I hope that all of my words will point upward to the WORD become flesh who dwelt among us.
Words are things that can bring people together or tear people apart. Going through my journey post-loss, I have seen numerous posts by various people of things to say or not to say to someone who has recently lost a child or baby. Words can encourage and build up, healing a broken heart, or they can tear down and add to the already overwhelming weight of a loss.
I will not offer a list of phrases to say or avoid, but I will say that words are very important. Speak to me. Speak the names of my babies. Do not skirt around the issue, because words shared with a friend can be a healing balm. Listen to me. Let me share my story. Let me put my love into words and paint a picture in your mind of the precious life I carried, though you never got to meet my baby.
I have been blessed by words shared by others, words that unite, words that let me know I am not alone, and the emotions that are boiling over in my heart are a normal and natural reaction from the intense fire of saying goodbye. Words that let me see the beauty that can blossom from the ashes. Words that give me hope for myself that the fire will not always be such a fierce and painful thing, but will settle down to a pleasant warming of love.
I offer up my own words here, both for myself and for others. I have always needed to process feelings through words, but I also hope and pray that my words might also bless those who read here as I have been blessed by the words of others. Most of all I hope that all of my words will point upward to the WORD become flesh who dwelt among us.
Monday, October 27, 2014
Day 25: Enjoy
Day 25 (Ok, so it's not actually, but I'm trying to catch up here!) of 31 days of healing. Joining Kate with a 5-minute free-write on the word ENJOY
GO:
Sometimes it takes great courage to enjoy life. When it seems like there is nothing left to bring joy. When it feels like you are at the bottom of a well, surrounded by cold, wet, hard stones and left in darkness while the world carries on around you in light and warmth and comfort above your head.
Yet even in the bottom of the well, God has called us to rejoice in all things. There is joy to be found even at the bottom of a well if we look to our savior.
One of my favorite prayers comes from the Valley of Vision:
Lord, high and holy, meek and lowly,
Thou hast brought me to the valley of vision, where I live in the depths but see Thee in the heights;
hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold your glory.
Let me learn by paradox that the way down is the way up, that to be low is to be high, that the broken heart is the healed heart, that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit, that the repenting soul is the victorious soul, that to have nothing is to posses all, that to bear the cross is to wear the crown, that to give is to receive, that the valley is the place of vision,
Lord, in the daytime the stars can be seen from the deepest wells, and the deeper the wells the brighter the stars shine; let me find Thy light in my darkness, Thy life in my death, Thy JOY in my sorrow, Thy grace in my sin, Thy riches in my poverty, Thy glory in my valley.
Amen,
GO:
Sometimes it takes great courage to enjoy life. When it seems like there is nothing left to bring joy. When it feels like you are at the bottom of a well, surrounded by cold, wet, hard stones and left in darkness while the world carries on around you in light and warmth and comfort above your head.
Yet even in the bottom of the well, God has called us to rejoice in all things. There is joy to be found even at the bottom of a well if we look to our savior.
One of my favorite prayers comes from the Valley of Vision:
Lord, high and holy, meek and lowly,
Thou hast brought me to the valley of vision, where I live in the depths but see Thee in the heights;
hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold your glory.
Let me learn by paradox that the way down is the way up, that to be low is to be high, that the broken heart is the healed heart, that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit, that the repenting soul is the victorious soul, that to have nothing is to posses all, that to bear the cross is to wear the crown, that to give is to receive, that the valley is the place of vision,
Lord, in the daytime the stars can be seen from the deepest wells, and the deeper the wells the brighter the stars shine; let me find Thy light in my darkness, Thy life in my death, Thy JOY in my sorrow, Thy grace in my sin, Thy riches in my poverty, Thy glory in my valley.
Amen,
Monday, October 20, 2014
Day 20: Fear
Day 20 of 31 days of healing, joining with Kate for a 5-minute free-write on the topic of Fear.
GO
Fear is something I battle against all the time now. Fear that I will never get pregnant again. Fear that I will, and will lose another baby. Fear that something will happen to June Bug.
I remember writing before about waiting for the other shoe to drop. Feeling like God had not protected me from the huge hurt of saying good-bye to Mikayla, so why would He protect me from any number of other hurts as well?
I no longer feel that way. I'm no longer holding my breath in fear. I am winning the fight, in His strength. I am choosing to trust when fear comes creeping in. I am learning to preach the gospel to myself over and over again and remember God's faithfulness and love.
I don't know if the fear will ever go away forever, but I do know now that perfect love drives out fear. When I look at the circumstances, I can't help but fear, like the disciples in the boat looking at the storm and crying, "Save us or we'll drown!" But like the disciples, I know where to turn. Jesus is my only hope, and it is resting in His love alone that will drive out the fear and fill my heart with faith.
I don't know what God holds in store for me or my family, but I do know that He is good all the time, and His love endures forever.
STOP
Ps. I would appreciate prayers tonight as my husband is having some hard conversations at work which could drastically effect the direction our family takes over the next few months and years. But I know that God is working all things together for good!
GO
Fear is something I battle against all the time now. Fear that I will never get pregnant again. Fear that I will, and will lose another baby. Fear that something will happen to June Bug.
I remember writing before about waiting for the other shoe to drop. Feeling like God had not protected me from the huge hurt of saying good-bye to Mikayla, so why would He protect me from any number of other hurts as well?
I no longer feel that way. I'm no longer holding my breath in fear. I am winning the fight, in His strength. I am choosing to trust when fear comes creeping in. I am learning to preach the gospel to myself over and over again and remember God's faithfulness and love.
I don't know if the fear will ever go away forever, but I do know now that perfect love drives out fear. When I look at the circumstances, I can't help but fear, like the disciples in the boat looking at the storm and crying, "Save us or we'll drown!" But like the disciples, I know where to turn. Jesus is my only hope, and it is resting in His love alone that will drive out the fear and fill my heart with faith.
I don't know what God holds in store for me or my family, but I do know that He is good all the time, and His love endures forever.
STOP
Ps. I would appreciate prayers tonight as my husband is having some hard conversations at work which could drastically effect the direction our family takes over the next few months and years. But I know that God is working all things together for good!
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Day 16: Adjusting to the "new normal"
Day 16 of 31 Days of healing, 5-minute free-write on the topic: adjust.
As someone who moved a lot growing up, I am very familiar with change. Living in lots of different countries and cultures, I am very familiar with culture shock. I am familiar with dealing with change, and having to learn to adjust to a new way of life that is different from your old one. Not necessarily worse, not better, but just different.
Grief is somewhat the same way.
I remember after one of our moves when I was 9, I became very angry and hated everything about the new country I was living in. I hated the language they spoke there, the food, the way people dressed, just everything about that country. At the same time, I longed for and idolized my life in my previous home. I missed my old friends, my comfort foods, being able to speak without worrying about saying the wrong thing...
At first as I moved into grief I hated everything about my loss. I hated having conversations about children or babies or motherhood because I was always on the verge of tears. I hated the way my body felt, tired all the time, weak, and flabby. I hated myself for all the would have, could have, should haves. I longed to go back to a time where babies didn't die. At least not my babies. Maybe someone else's, far away. I wanted to go back to feeling strong and womanly, knowing my body was the home of a tiny human.
The thing is, you can't go back. You can only go forward, and the sooner you accept and recognize where you are and who has led you there, the sooner you can pick up the pieces and adjust your attitude and find things to love about the new, different, yes difficult, but also blessed, place you are right now. The sooner you can move on with adjusting to the new normal.
Don't get me wrong, I still miss the days of blissful ignorance before I knew what pPROM and MTHFR were, or that 1 in 4 women will experience some type of baby loss at some point in her life. But I am learning to be content to follow where he leads, and lean on Him for strength for the journey.
As someone who moved a lot growing up, I am very familiar with change. Living in lots of different countries and cultures, I am very familiar with culture shock. I am familiar with dealing with change, and having to learn to adjust to a new way of life that is different from your old one. Not necessarily worse, not better, but just different.
Grief is somewhat the same way.
I remember after one of our moves when I was 9, I became very angry and hated everything about the new country I was living in. I hated the language they spoke there, the food, the way people dressed, just everything about that country. At the same time, I longed for and idolized my life in my previous home. I missed my old friends, my comfort foods, being able to speak without worrying about saying the wrong thing...
At first as I moved into grief I hated everything about my loss. I hated having conversations about children or babies or motherhood because I was always on the verge of tears. I hated the way my body felt, tired all the time, weak, and flabby. I hated myself for all the would have, could have, should haves. I longed to go back to a time where babies didn't die. At least not my babies. Maybe someone else's, far away. I wanted to go back to feeling strong and womanly, knowing my body was the home of a tiny human.
The thing is, you can't go back. You can only go forward, and the sooner you accept and recognize where you are and who has led you there, the sooner you can pick up the pieces and adjust your attitude and find things to love about the new, different, yes difficult, but also blessed, place you are right now. The sooner you can move on with adjusting to the new normal.
Don't get me wrong, I still miss the days of blissful ignorance before I knew what pPROM and MTHFR were, or that 1 in 4 women will experience some type of baby loss at some point in her life. But I am learning to be content to follow where he leads, and lean on Him for strength for the journey.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Day 15: LIFE!
Day 15 of 31 Days of Healing is very special to me and near and dear to my heart. I also LOVE that Kate's prompt for today is LIFE! I believe we have a God who is sovereign even (especially?) in the small things - even things like blog prompt words, so I know this is no accident!
Today is special because it is a holiday. Not one you'll see on many calendars, not one you'll get a day off work for, and not one that anyone ever really wants to have a reason to celebrate. It is a holiday I wish there was never any need for, but since we do live in a fallen world where babies die, I am glad there is a day set aside to remember.
Today, October 15th, is set aside as Pregnancy and Infant Loss (PAIL) Remembrance Day.
The Bible talks a lot about remembering, and special times of remembrance for His people. They generally involve remembering God's faithfulness during times of trial and tribulation.
Today this is my day of remembrance of God's faithfulness to me in the midst of Mikayla's stillbirth and Selah's miscarriage. I remember God's faithfulness to me and my family in the days that followed. I proclaim again God's continuing faithfulness to me today and forever!
As part of PAIL remembrance day, people around the world light candles at 7 pm local time and keep them lit for at least one hour. The idea is that this will create a continuous wave of light around the world.
I lit 4 little tea-light candles tonight. One for Mikayla Sophie, one for Selah, a third for June Bug: one for each of my babies. I wrote their names on their candles. On the fourth I wrote one word: hope. For me this candle represents the hope that God will bring more children into our family when His timing is right.
At one point tonight, I glanced over and all the candles had gone out except for June Bug's. I felt a bit like it was an omen of some kind, that only my living-on-earth child's candle had not gone out. I felt like it was a bad sign that the "hope" candle had gone out, especially!
But then I thought to myself, "What can you do when you start to lose hope?" I realized that the best way to rekindle hope is the way the writers of scripture so often did, by revisiting and remembering God's goodness, grace, mercy, and faithfulness in the past.
I looked at that June Bug candle still brightly glowing in the darkness, and it was very symbolic for me. June Bug is a living picture of God's faithfulness to me. So I used her candle to re-light the others.
As I did so I remembered that my hope is in God's faithfulness, goodness, mercy, and grace. I remembered God's faithfulness and grace in giving June Bug life that continues here on earth, and for giving Mikayla and Selah their brief lives here on earth followed by a life that can never be extinguished.
I thank God for LIFE. For June Bug's life. For Mikayla's life. For Selah's life. For the lives of the children He will bless us with in the future, whether biologically or through adoption or some other way of His choosing. I thank Him most of all for giving us eternal LIFE through His death and resurrection.
So today, we remember. We celebrate the LIFE of these little souls who came to us for a short time before returning to the giver of LIFE.
Today is special because it is a holiday. Not one you'll see on many calendars, not one you'll get a day off work for, and not one that anyone ever really wants to have a reason to celebrate. It is a holiday I wish there was never any need for, but since we do live in a fallen world where babies die, I am glad there is a day set aside to remember.
Today, October 15th, is set aside as Pregnancy and Infant Loss (PAIL) Remembrance Day.
The Bible talks a lot about remembering, and special times of remembrance for His people. They generally involve remembering God's faithfulness during times of trial and tribulation.
Today this is my day of remembrance of God's faithfulness to me in the midst of Mikayla's stillbirth and Selah's miscarriage. I remember God's faithfulness to me and my family in the days that followed. I proclaim again God's continuing faithfulness to me today and forever!
As part of PAIL remembrance day, people around the world light candles at 7 pm local time and keep them lit for at least one hour. The idea is that this will create a continuous wave of light around the world.
I lit 4 little tea-light candles tonight. One for Mikayla Sophie, one for Selah, a third for June Bug: one for each of my babies. I wrote their names on their candles. On the fourth I wrote one word: hope. For me this candle represents the hope that God will bring more children into our family when His timing is right.
At one point tonight, I glanced over and all the candles had gone out except for June Bug's. I felt a bit like it was an omen of some kind, that only my living-on-earth child's candle had not gone out. I felt like it was a bad sign that the "hope" candle had gone out, especially!
But then I thought to myself, "What can you do when you start to lose hope?" I realized that the best way to rekindle hope is the way the writers of scripture so often did, by revisiting and remembering God's goodness, grace, mercy, and faithfulness in the past.
I looked at that June Bug candle still brightly glowing in the darkness, and it was very symbolic for me. June Bug is a living picture of God's faithfulness to me. So I used her candle to re-light the others.
As I did so I remembered that my hope is in God's faithfulness, goodness, mercy, and grace. I remembered God's faithfulness and grace in giving June Bug life that continues here on earth, and for giving Mikayla and Selah their brief lives here on earth followed by a life that can never be extinguished.
I thank God for LIFE. For June Bug's life. For Mikayla's life. For Selah's life. For the lives of the children He will bless us with in the future, whether biologically or through adoption or some other way of His choosing. I thank Him most of all for giving us eternal LIFE through His death and resurrection.
So today, we remember. We celebrate the LIFE of these little souls who came to us for a short time before returning to the giver of LIFE.
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Day 11: Resources
Ok people. It's day 11 of 31 days of healing and I am feeling very uninspired and can't think of anything to write about, so I decided to look at Carly Marie's Project Heal for ideas and decided to jump back to her day 8: Resource, and list some resources I have found that have helped/are helping on this journey through grief toward healing.
This is an awesome ministry which sends teddy bears to anyone grieving the loss of a baby. I ordered one for June Bug which she calls her "Baby Sissy Bear." I found this site after previously seeing Molly Bears and realized I would rather have a simple bear quickly and for free than pay $20 and have to wait possibly years to get a fancy bear. That's just my opinion, though.
This online resource is a great place to read stories by other parents who have had their children or babies die. There is a lot of encouragement and practical advice on there, as well as just the reassurance that I am not alone in feeling the things I feel or doing the (seemingly odd) things I do after loss. It is affirmation that though loss changes you for life, you can keep standing, and even begin to walk again.
Another resource that encourages healing and working through your grief in productive ways.
A great book that helped me explore where my loss and grief fit in with my faith.
Another awesome book that helped me wrestle with the hard issues of faith and God's love in the midst of pain.
This is an awesome ministry which sends teddy bears to anyone grieving the loss of a baby. I ordered one for June Bug which she calls her "Baby Sissy Bear." I found this site after previously seeing Molly Bears and realized I would rather have a simple bear quickly and for free than pay $20 and have to wait possibly years to get a fancy bear. That's just my opinion, though.
This online resource is a great place to read stories by other parents who have had their children or babies die. There is a lot of encouragement and practical advice on there, as well as just the reassurance that I am not alone in feeling the things I feel or doing the (seemingly odd) things I do after loss. It is affirmation that though loss changes you for life, you can keep standing, and even begin to walk again.
Another resource that encourages healing and working through your grief in productive ways.
A great book that helped me explore where my loss and grief fit in with my faith.
Another awesome book that helped me wrestle with the hard issues of faith and God's love in the midst of pain.
- My mother and grandmother
- The Holy Bible
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Day 9: Join the Praise
Day 9 of 31 Days of Healing ; following Kate's prompt - "Join" for 5 minutes of unedited free-write.
Welcome to the club, Jenna. The club of mothers who have little ones waiting for us in heaven. We know that no one wants to be a member of this club. The rite of passage to get in is one of the worst you will ever experience.
One thing I must say, though, is that the members here are incredibly supportive. We all know how much it sucks and how terrible it is to say good-bye to your baby, so we gather around any new recruits with open arms and flowing tears to embrace you with love and understanding.
Your little Shane joins a chorus of precious little souls who gather around the throne of our heavenly father, singing praise without ending to the one who gave them the blessing of being carried in a womb full of love, for however short a time, and the greater blessing of living for eternity free from suffering, sadness, and pain.
Jenna, I want to thank you on behalf of all of us in this club, for being brave enough to share your journey. Thank you for speaking out and letting others know that your baby matters, and by extension, our babies matter. Your Shane has touched the lives and hearts of thousands, and though our babies may only touch a few in our immediate families, they matter. Each one of them has changed the world just by being here, even the ones who never took a breathe of air outside the womb.
So we join together, a club of Mamas missing our Little Blessings, to sing praises to our Father who allowed us to carry them wrapped in our love, and gave us the strength to survive giving them back so soon.
We join together to praise through our tears. The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away; Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Welcome to the club, Jenna. The club of mothers who have little ones waiting for us in heaven. We know that no one wants to be a member of this club. The rite of passage to get in is one of the worst you will ever experience.
One thing I must say, though, is that the members here are incredibly supportive. We all know how much it sucks and how terrible it is to say good-bye to your baby, so we gather around any new recruits with open arms and flowing tears to embrace you with love and understanding.
Your little Shane joins a chorus of precious little souls who gather around the throne of our heavenly father, singing praise without ending to the one who gave them the blessing of being carried in a womb full of love, for however short a time, and the greater blessing of living for eternity free from suffering, sadness, and pain.
Jenna, I want to thank you on behalf of all of us in this club, for being brave enough to share your journey. Thank you for speaking out and letting others know that your baby matters, and by extension, our babies matter. Your Shane has touched the lives and hearts of thousands, and though our babies may only touch a few in our immediate families, they matter. Each one of them has changed the world just by being here, even the ones who never took a breathe of air outside the womb.
So we join together, a club of Mamas missing our Little Blessings, to sing praises to our Father who allowed us to carry them wrapped in our love, and gave us the strength to survive giving them back so soon.
We join together to praise through our tears. The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away; Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Monday, October 6, 2014
Day 6: What I Know for Sure
Day 6 of 31 Days of Healing
In the wake of tragedy, so often we let our emotions run wild. Comfort and peace, however, are found in what I know about God and His plans for my life. I decided today to follow Kate's prompt: Know, and make a list of truths to repeat over to myself when I am tempted to give in to despair and anxiety and worry.
I KNOW:
In the wake of tragedy, so often we let our emotions run wild. Comfort and peace, however, are found in what I know about God and His plans for my life. I decided today to follow Kate's prompt: Know, and make a list of truths to repeat over to myself when I am tempted to give in to despair and anxiety and worry.
I KNOW:
- That God is on His throne Isaiah 46:9-10 "I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me, declaring the end from the beginning and from ancient times things not yet done, saying, ‘My counsel shall stand, and I will accomplish all my purpose.’"
- That He is working all things together for good (Romans 8:28)
- That my babies are in heaven, free from suffering in the arms of Jesus Revelation 21:4 "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”
- That He who began a good work in me WILL carry it through to completion (Philippians 1:6)
- That I do not need to be anxious about anything, but rather I need to in everything by prayer and petition and with thanksgiving present my requests to God (Philippians 4:6)
There are so many things I don't know, and so many questions I still have, but I do KNOW that God is good all the time, and all the time, God is good.
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Day 4: Learn
Day 4 of 31 days of healing
I have always loved to learn. Since I was 4 years old and learned to read, I have devoured information. I can spout off facts about any number of subjects. However, there is a difference between learning and putting into practice.
I have read my Bible cover to cover several times, and of course favorite passages get read more often than say, Numbers or Amos. But it has only been in the past few years that I have truly learned what it is to be a Christian and what it means to take up my cross and follow Christ.
Thanks to the Holy Spirit and the encouragement of brothers and sisters in Christ, I am learning how to walk worthy of the calling I have received. It is not an easy road! It is full of bumps and potholes and scary curves, but I am also learning that my savior is better and sweeter than I ever imagined. He has drawn near to me in a way I never thought possible, and given me strength I could never have had on my own.
And that is what is holding me together.
I have always loved to learn. Since I was 4 years old and learned to read, I have devoured information. I can spout off facts about any number of subjects. However, there is a difference between learning and putting into practice.
I have read my Bible cover to cover several times, and of course favorite passages get read more often than say, Numbers or Amos. But it has only been in the past few years that I have truly learned what it is to be a Christian and what it means to take up my cross and follow Christ.
Thanks to the Holy Spirit and the encouragement of brothers and sisters in Christ, I am learning how to walk worthy of the calling I have received. It is not an easy road! It is full of bumps and potholes and scary curves, but I am also learning that my savior is better and sweeter than I ever imagined. He has drawn near to me in a way I never thought possible, and given me strength I could never have had on my own.
And that is what is holding me together.
Friday, October 3, 2014
Day 3 and FMF: Making All Things New
Part 3 of my 31 days project, and a Five Minute Friday on the word NEW
Go:
So many people talk about finding the "new normal" after a loss. Real normal will never be achieved again, because losing someone you love permeates every aspect of your life. I understand better now how sin and death entering the world had such a profound impact on every single corner of creation, because I have experienced the way the entrance of death into my life and the lives of my husband and daughter has had a profound impact on every corner of our lives.
The good news is, we can and will find a "new normal." Inevitably we will find ways to cope with the waves of grief, develop new habits and rituals, and carry on with our daily lives even though everything has been turned on its head.
The important thing is knowing where to find the "new normal" and how to go about establishing it.
We could fall back on sinful desires and habits - drowning our sorrows in alcohol, drugs, or even just too many hours spent in front of a computer screen (Candy Crush, anyone?). We could allow worry and anxiety to take over, because of all people we are entitled to do so, right? We could seek meaning through our own works, starting a non-profit organization; making donations of goods and time in our children's names; rituals and traditions we create.
But the better way is to fall back on the God who is making all things new - seeking peace in the Word; drinking deep of His grace; spending hours on our knees. We should cast all our cares on Him and in everything through prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present our requests to God.
(Time is up, but I want to continue...)
We ought to seek meaning not in our own works, but in His work in and through us, which very well may look like starting a non-profit organization, donating goods and time, and creating new rituals and traditions (raising Ebeneezers?).
Sin and death may appear to rule the world at the moment, but Hallelujah! Our God is making all things new, including our broken hearts and lives.
Thursday, October 2, 2014
Day 2: Point of View
I'm back for day 2 of the 31-day writing challenge, and decided to also join Kate Motaung doing a five-minute free-write on the topic: View.
GO:
Why is it so easy for us to fix our view on the past, dwelling on what has already taken place, mulling over the "what if"s and the "if only"s. Wondering if maybe things could have, should have, would have been different if...
It's also easy to fix my view on the future, giving in to anxiety and dwelling on fears of the unknown. Fears that history will repeat itself and I will be asked to give up a baby too soon again.
Why is it so hard sometimes to view everything through the proper lens? The glasses that God wants us to put on?
Instead of wondering about and lamenting the past, I should be focusing on what I can and should be doing right now. Spending time in the word. Building relationships. Worshiping. Fishing for men. Making disciples.
Instead of worrying about and fearing the future, I should be looking toward eternity. Remembering always that this life is not the end, and my treasure must not be found here where moth and rust destroy and thieves break in and steal and death snatches away life and seems to have the last laugh. Instead I should be building up treasure in heaven where moth and rust do not destroy and thieves cannot break in a steal and where LIFE has swallowed up death in a final and decisive victory.
Lord, grant me your point of view.
STOP
GO:
Why is it so easy for us to fix our view on the past, dwelling on what has already taken place, mulling over the "what if"s and the "if only"s. Wondering if maybe things could have, should have, would have been different if...
It's also easy to fix my view on the future, giving in to anxiety and dwelling on fears of the unknown. Fears that history will repeat itself and I will be asked to give up a baby too soon again.
Why is it so hard sometimes to view everything through the proper lens? The glasses that God wants us to put on?
Instead of wondering about and lamenting the past, I should be focusing on what I can and should be doing right now. Spending time in the word. Building relationships. Worshiping. Fishing for men. Making disciples.
Instead of worrying about and fearing the future, I should be looking toward eternity. Remembering always that this life is not the end, and my treasure must not be found here where moth and rust destroy and thieves break in and steal and death snatches away life and seems to have the last laugh. Instead I should be building up treasure in heaven where moth and rust do not destroy and thieves cannot break in a steal and where LIFE has swallowed up death in a final and decisive victory.
Lord, grant me your point of view.
STOP
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
31 Days of Healing
I've decided to try and stretch myself a bit and join up with http://write31days.com/ to write every day in October. I may also join in some of the 5-minute free-write prompts at http://katemotaung.com if I feel inspired.
I chose to name my 31 days project: 31 Days of Healing as I continue on my journey of searching for healing from the Great Physician in the wake of losing a daughter to stillbirth and another baby to miscarriage. I hope that it may also be a journey of physical healing as I may soon get some of the answers I so desperately searched for earlier only to be told "everything was normal" when my intuition screams that it wasn't and isn't.
I am glad to be a part of this project, and I know writing has been a big part of my healing journey thus far and will continue to be. There is a reason John refers to Jesus as the Word. There is power in words, and Jesus is the ultimate Word by which all my faltering lisping words begin to come together and make sense.
Happy reading and writing!
Day 1: Moving Toward Healing
Day 2: Point of View
Day 3: Making All Things New
Day 4: Learn
Day 5: Triggers
Day 6: Know
Day 7: Sore
Day 8: Little Yellow Duck Feet
Day 9: Join the Praise
Day 10: Care
Day 11: Resources
Day 12: I will Give you Rest
Day 13: 13 Revisited
Day 14: Away
Day 15: LIFE!
Day 16: Adjusting to a New Normal
Day 17: Long
I chose to name my 31 days project: 31 Days of Healing as I continue on my journey of searching for healing from the Great Physician in the wake of losing a daughter to stillbirth and another baby to miscarriage. I hope that it may also be a journey of physical healing as I may soon get some of the answers I so desperately searched for earlier only to be told "everything was normal" when my intuition screams that it wasn't and isn't.
I am glad to be a part of this project, and I know writing has been a big part of my healing journey thus far and will continue to be. There is a reason John refers to Jesus as the Word. There is power in words, and Jesus is the ultimate Word by which all my faltering lisping words begin to come together and make sense.
Happy reading and writing!
Day 1: Moving Toward Healing
Day 2: Point of View
Day 3: Making All Things New
Day 4: Learn
Day 5: Triggers
Day 6: Know
Day 7: Sore
Day 8: Little Yellow Duck Feet
Day 9: Join the Praise
Day 10: Care
Day 11: Resources
Day 12: I will Give you Rest
Day 13: 13 Revisited
Day 14: Away
Day 15: LIFE!
Day 16: Adjusting to a New Normal
Day 17: Long
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