Sunday, February 15, 2015

Making Room for Joy

Since Mikayla died and was born, I can count on one hand the moments I have felt truly happy without a cloud of fear or anxiety or sadness clouding the moment.

Today, I was given one of those moments.

I was putting June Bug to bed with our nightly routine: shower, pjs, brush teeth, drink of water, bedtime story, prayers, hugs and kisses, and lights out. We were snuggled on the bed together and I was reading a chapter of Betsy-Tacy  - a book I enjoyed as a child - on our tablet. I was holding the tablet resting its end on my lower belly, when I felt it. Baby was kicking! Baby was kicking at the tablet!

Now I have felt things that I thought might have been baby earlier on, and the other day I felt a few distinct flutters that I knew had to be baby, but this was different - vibrant, strong movements without a shadow of a doubt caused by little arms and legs exploring this thing that was pressed up against their home. I told June Bug about it, and we both enjoyed some giggles at the thought.

It was only later, when I had finished the chapter, said our prayers, and turned off the light that I realized how pure a moment of joy it had been. I was also able to remember feeling Mikayla kick at June Bug's musical teddy bear without the overwhelming feeling of acute grief, but rather a fond memory with just a hint of sadness.

I know there will still be days of weeping and pain. I know it will still be a long journey, but I do feel like I have turned a corner somehow. Like I have crawled far enough down the tunnel that I can actually see a glimpse of the brilliant light waiting for me up ahead.  

I am learning to make room for joy again. And it feels good.

Friday, February 6, 2015

FMF: Keep


More than anything right now, I want to keep this baby. I want to hold this baby and never let go.

I wanted to keep Mikayla, too. And Selah.

I know that nothing on earth is truly mine to keep. It all belongs to God, and He keeps it all in His hands, like the song I sing with June Bug about the whole world, and the Mommies and Daddies, and when I sing the little bitty babies the tears well up because I know He's holding two of mine.

Make that four of His.

He's got June bug and Mikayla in His hands, He's got Selah and little rainbow in His hands, He's got the whole world in His hands.

And I know that none of them are really mine because all of them are His and He has blessed me to loan them to me for a time. For Selah it was very short. Mikayla a little longer. Hopefully June Bug and Rainbow will be here in my hands a good long while, but even so they are not really mine, and I can't hold too tightly.

But I know He holds tightly to us all, and no one can snatch us out of His hands. So may the Lord bless us and Keep us; may His face shine upon us and bring us His peace.


Joining up with Five Minute Friday for 5 minutes of writing free of editing and second-guessing and agonizing.