GO:
I feel like I am holding my breathe. Like I have been holding my breathe for 3 months now. Holding my breathe and waiting for the other shoe to drop.
My baby died. After all the prayers and longing and begging, God decided it was better to take her from us. I'm holding my breathe waiting to see what else he'll take.
He took my job, but then I found a new (better) one, but I still feel like I'm waiting to find out something went wrong with the paperwork and the offer will be taken off the table.
My husband and I have (mostly) worked through our issues and stopped fighting and blaming one another, but I feel like I am walking around holding my breathe scared to say or do the wrong thing that will be the straw that breaks the camel's back and he will be gone.
The money that we have to pay to not get to take home our daughter is ridiculous, but we got a good payment plan and insurance covered their bit, but I'm waiting to find out we owe more than I thought, or insurance decided not to pay.
I worry. I worry a lot. I worry because I realize now that life can't and won't be easy and things can't and won't always go the way I want them to. Even the enormous things (so why should I think the little ones will?).
But then I realize I can't hold my breathe forever. I have to exhale sometime. So I breathe out all the worries and anxieties and stress, and breathe in pure grace, mercy, and love. I breathe out all my fears to my savior, and breathe in peace that passes understanding. His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me. I need to stop banging my head against the wall and just fall down on my knees.
And just breathe.
STOP.
I just stumbled across your blog today and wanted to tell you how very sorry I am for our loss. I lost my baby in February at 19 weeks. Our circumstances weren't the same but it seems as though our feelings, emotions, etc. were. I am wishing you all the best, strength and peace as you work through this. Breathing in and out, taking it day by day is sometimes all we can do.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear of your loss as well. One of the things that has helped me in this journey is reading the stories of others, so I decided to share my story here in hopes that it might bless someone else and help them to find comfort and joy in their sufferings.
DeleteDear one,
ReplyDeleteThank you for leaving the comment on my blog. I have read several of your entries and my heart has wept with you. I have not lost a child from my womb, but I have lost a son due to a failed adoption that resulted in our needing to give our baby boy back to his biological family. I don't know if it's any help, but here is an old post I wrote about the day we experienced the deepest grief and loss and the subsequent posts where God began to bring hope there-after. http://corockymountainliving.blogspot.com/2012/04/i-laid-down-my-isaac.html
I also read Angie Smith's "I Will Carry You" that was so incredibly comforting and healing as well-- about her journey through the loss of their little girl, Audrey just hours after birth.
I look forward to journeying with you via the FMFparty writings and pray your journey through grief is full of His presence and grace for each day. I love your writing and your perspective of hope. Keep writing. It is ministering, sister!
Thank you so much for your encouraging words!
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