Missing Mikayla: God is good

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

I am sorry for the long silence. In the latter part of my pregnancy I didn't know what to write except that I was fighting the fear, frequently praying for the baby to kick so I would know she was okay.

And then finally, on July 31, our little rainbow Chickadee decided the time was right to hatch. My water broke at 10am as I was on the way out the door for my 40 week appointment, and Chickadee let out her first scream at 7:55pm and it was just about the most beautiful sound this Mama has ever heard.

My Chickadee is 4 months old now, rolling over, grabbing at her toes, and smiling and laughing at everyone she sees. We had a rough start to breastfeeding, battling thrush, overactive letdown, reflux, and milk protein sensitivity, but I am pleased to say we're still going strong even though she's had to have a few bottles of formula when I started back to work until I figured out the whole pumping thing.

I wish I could say that my heart is healed and no longer has a gaping hole, but I cannot. What I can say is that the rest of my heart has grown and stretched and been filled up with joy once again. There is still a hint of bitterness in all the sweets (like washing the "baby's first Christmas" outfit that should have been worn last December, or having a photo shoot of my daughters with only a bear where Mikayla and Selah should have been), but I am also seeing new sweetness in the bitter. And through it all, I find myself clinging to and calling on my savior all the more. I am so grateful that He has allowed us to find joy and light once again.

Mikayla's Story

I found out I was pregnant in December of 2013. We told family at Christmas, and everyone was so excited, especially June Bug. She had been praying for a baby brother for about 2 years. Everything was great until at almost 15 weeks, I started bleeding. I was told it was due to a placenta previa. I was put on pelvic rest and told to take it easy.

Then at almost 19 weeks, I had 2 pretty big bleeding episodes, passed some huge blood clots, and apparently ruptured my membranes, because the scan they did the next morning showed almost no amniotic fluid. The doctors said I would most likely miscarry in the next 48 hours, and they might have to do surgery on me if they couldn't control the bleeding. I stayed in the hospital 4 days not even allowed to get out of bed. The doctors were surprised we made it that far, and let me go home on bed rest. Again all looked okay, and though I was still spotting, baby was still going strong and kicking. During this time we learned baby liked hot chocolate and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. My husband and daughter both got to feel kicks, and we were hopeful for a miracle.

At 21 weeks 5 days, I had an upset stomach after dinner. I thought it was something I ate, and after drinking some mint tea and lying down for a while I felt better. At 3am the next morning I woke up and was having strong contractions. We went to the ER, and called some friends to take our daughter.

The ultrasound showed no heartbeat. About 2 hours later our baby was born still on April 13.

I am still trying to sort out my emotions about it all. I am thankful that our little Mikayla Sophie (Who is like God in His wisdom?) never knew pain or suffering, but went from being enveloped in my motherly love in my womb, to being enveloped in God's fatherly love in His arms. I am thankful for those extra weeks I got to carry her and get to know her and feel her and shower her with love. And most of all I am thankful for the comfort that comes from knowing I will see my Mikayla again. That though I am missing her now, it is only temporary, and my current trials are not even worth comparing to the future glory that will be revealed! The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord!