Day 30 of 31 days of healing. Joining Kate for a 5--minute free-write on the word FIRST
GO:
I have a calendar of June Bug's first year. It is full of colorful stickers of her "firsts." First car ride, first smile, first tooth, first words, first steps. All the way up to first birthday.
This year we celebrated her first day of Kindergarten, first ride on a 2-wheeler, her first book she read by herself, and soon probably the first loose tooth.
There's no sticker for the first breathe. No sticker for first cries, or first movements - those frantic flailings of arms and legs exposed to air instead of amniotic fluid for the first time. No. Those are so taken for granted, they don't even warrant marking.
There are also no stickers for first heaven day, or "crap-versary" as one loss Mama put it. No stickers for the first time someone asks you how many kids you have and you just stare at them and tear up as you debate whether to go into details or just lie.
And even in June Bug's case, there are no stickers for the day you found out your long-awaited and prayed for baby sister went to heaven instead of coming to play with you like everyone said she would.
And so we make our own way. We mark our own days. We make prayer flags in August and light candles in October, and will celebrate Heaven days in April and September. We will forge ahead making memories wherever and however we can, to honor our love for our babies.
Showing posts with label remember. Show all posts
Showing posts with label remember. Show all posts
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Sunday, October 19, 2014
Day 18: A Name
Day 18 (a little late) of 31 days of healing
Today when I opened my Facebook page, I found a pleasant surprise.
This photo:
Look closely - go ahead, make it big. See there? Right near the top left corner? There it is! My baby girl's name. Written lovingly by Grieve Out Loud. Joined with so many other precious little ones who are dancing with her now around the throne of Jesus. I clicked over to their website, scrolled down, and there on the right down-curve of the S:
Today when I opened my Facebook page, I found a pleasant surprise.
This photo:
Selah's name, too! I had almost forgotten submitting them a few weeks ago, and it made me so happy to see them beautifully written in these precious memorials.
And I realized suddenly, that seeing their names brought me joy. Joy alone, untainted by sadness. I was happy to see their names; to see them remembered and recognized. To know that there are others out there who believe ALL LIVES MATTER.
And I realized that I am healing. Being able to feel pure joy without the shadow of sadness is a wonderful feeling, and one I haven't felt since Mikayla's heaven day.
Thank the Lord for His blessings.
Friday, October 17, 2014
Day 17 and FMF: Long
Joining up with Kate here for another five-minute Friday free-write on Day 17 of 31 Days of Healing
Prompt word of the week: Long
GO:
This week was long. Very long. Getting home from work late every day long. Falling asleep myself as I put June Bug to bed last night at 7:30 long. I am grateful for the weekend.
Time is a funny thing. It is so subjective. Some things seem to last so long, and others seem to go by in the blink of an eye, even when really they take the same amount of time.
When I think back on my time on bed rest, the days felt so long to me. Part of that was being in bed all day left me forced to leave business behind. But I think it was also a gift that God gave me. He knew even when I didn't that I would have to say good-bye to my precious baby soon. I believe He gave me that time on bed rest and made the days seem long to give me the time I needed to prepare my heart for what was to come.
As I've said before, I spent a lot of the time on bed rest praying, reading scripture, and meditating on the truths of the gospel. I also spent a lot of time online, doing research, trying to find out what kinds of journeys I could be in for.
While I long for the day I will hold my babies in heaven, I am thankful for the gift of those long days on bed rest with my Mikayla and my God.
STOP.
Prompt word of the week: Long
GO:
This week was long. Very long. Getting home from work late every day long. Falling asleep myself as I put June Bug to bed last night at 7:30 long. I am grateful for the weekend.
Time is a funny thing. It is so subjective. Some things seem to last so long, and others seem to go by in the blink of an eye, even when really they take the same amount of time.
When I think back on my time on bed rest, the days felt so long to me. Part of that was being in bed all day left me forced to leave business behind. But I think it was also a gift that God gave me. He knew even when I didn't that I would have to say good-bye to my precious baby soon. I believe He gave me that time on bed rest and made the days seem long to give me the time I needed to prepare my heart for what was to come.
As I've said before, I spent a lot of the time on bed rest praying, reading scripture, and meditating on the truths of the gospel. I also spent a lot of time online, doing research, trying to find out what kinds of journeys I could be in for.
While I long for the day I will hold my babies in heaven, I am thankful for the gift of those long days on bed rest with my Mikayla and my God.
STOP.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Day 15: LIFE!
Day 15 of 31 Days of Healing is very special to me and near and dear to my heart. I also LOVE that Kate's prompt for today is LIFE! I believe we have a God who is sovereign even (especially?) in the small things - even things like blog prompt words, so I know this is no accident!
Today is special because it is a holiday. Not one you'll see on many calendars, not one you'll get a day off work for, and not one that anyone ever really wants to have a reason to celebrate. It is a holiday I wish there was never any need for, but since we do live in a fallen world where babies die, I am glad there is a day set aside to remember.
Today, October 15th, is set aside as Pregnancy and Infant Loss (PAIL) Remembrance Day.
The Bible talks a lot about remembering, and special times of remembrance for His people. They generally involve remembering God's faithfulness during times of trial and tribulation.
Today this is my day of remembrance of God's faithfulness to me in the midst of Mikayla's stillbirth and Selah's miscarriage. I remember God's faithfulness to me and my family in the days that followed. I proclaim again God's continuing faithfulness to me today and forever!
As part of PAIL remembrance day, people around the world light candles at 7 pm local time and keep them lit for at least one hour. The idea is that this will create a continuous wave of light around the world.
I lit 4 little tea-light candles tonight. One for Mikayla Sophie, one for Selah, a third for June Bug: one for each of my babies. I wrote their names on their candles. On the fourth I wrote one word: hope. For me this candle represents the hope that God will bring more children into our family when His timing is right.
At one point tonight, I glanced over and all the candles had gone out except for June Bug's. I felt a bit like it was an omen of some kind, that only my living-on-earth child's candle had not gone out. I felt like it was a bad sign that the "hope" candle had gone out, especially!
But then I thought to myself, "What can you do when you start to lose hope?" I realized that the best way to rekindle hope is the way the writers of scripture so often did, by revisiting and remembering God's goodness, grace, mercy, and faithfulness in the past.
I looked at that June Bug candle still brightly glowing in the darkness, and it was very symbolic for me. June Bug is a living picture of God's faithfulness to me. So I used her candle to re-light the others.
As I did so I remembered that my hope is in God's faithfulness, goodness, mercy, and grace. I remembered God's faithfulness and grace in giving June Bug life that continues here on earth, and for giving Mikayla and Selah their brief lives here on earth followed by a life that can never be extinguished.
I thank God for LIFE. For June Bug's life. For Mikayla's life. For Selah's life. For the lives of the children He will bless us with in the future, whether biologically or through adoption or some other way of His choosing. I thank Him most of all for giving us eternal LIFE through His death and resurrection.
So today, we remember. We celebrate the LIFE of these little souls who came to us for a short time before returning to the giver of LIFE.
Today is special because it is a holiday. Not one you'll see on many calendars, not one you'll get a day off work for, and not one that anyone ever really wants to have a reason to celebrate. It is a holiday I wish there was never any need for, but since we do live in a fallen world where babies die, I am glad there is a day set aside to remember.
Today, October 15th, is set aside as Pregnancy and Infant Loss (PAIL) Remembrance Day.
The Bible talks a lot about remembering, and special times of remembrance for His people. They generally involve remembering God's faithfulness during times of trial and tribulation.
Today this is my day of remembrance of God's faithfulness to me in the midst of Mikayla's stillbirth and Selah's miscarriage. I remember God's faithfulness to me and my family in the days that followed. I proclaim again God's continuing faithfulness to me today and forever!
As part of PAIL remembrance day, people around the world light candles at 7 pm local time and keep them lit for at least one hour. The idea is that this will create a continuous wave of light around the world.
I lit 4 little tea-light candles tonight. One for Mikayla Sophie, one for Selah, a third for June Bug: one for each of my babies. I wrote their names on their candles. On the fourth I wrote one word: hope. For me this candle represents the hope that God will bring more children into our family when His timing is right.
At one point tonight, I glanced over and all the candles had gone out except for June Bug's. I felt a bit like it was an omen of some kind, that only my living-on-earth child's candle had not gone out. I felt like it was a bad sign that the "hope" candle had gone out, especially!
But then I thought to myself, "What can you do when you start to lose hope?" I realized that the best way to rekindle hope is the way the writers of scripture so often did, by revisiting and remembering God's goodness, grace, mercy, and faithfulness in the past.
I looked at that June Bug candle still brightly glowing in the darkness, and it was very symbolic for me. June Bug is a living picture of God's faithfulness to me. So I used her candle to re-light the others.
As I did so I remembered that my hope is in God's faithfulness, goodness, mercy, and grace. I remembered God's faithfulness and grace in giving June Bug life that continues here on earth, and for giving Mikayla and Selah their brief lives here on earth followed by a life that can never be extinguished.
I thank God for LIFE. For June Bug's life. For Mikayla's life. For Selah's life. For the lives of the children He will bless us with in the future, whether biologically or through adoption or some other way of His choosing. I thank Him most of all for giving us eternal LIFE through His death and resurrection.
So today, we remember. We celebrate the LIFE of these little souls who came to us for a short time before returning to the giver of LIFE.
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