FMF: Following Jesus

Joining Kate  for another Five Minute Friday

Follow:

As a child, I used to read the verse, "take up your cross and follow me," and I never really understood what it meant. I used to think it was very strange. As I grew I started to understand it a bit better, as I had to bear things like ridicule from non-Christian friends, and being left out of things that happened on Sunday mornings because my family went to church every Sunday without fail unless you were home sick in bed.

Now in my adult life, I am learning a whole new meaning to the phrase, "take up your cross and follow me."

I am learning that every single one of us has a cross to bear. We were given it at conception in our mothers' wombs along with the sin-nature that was handed down from Adam. We all have to bear that symbol of death and destruction due to sin.

We don't have a choice what our particular cross looks like. For me, it partly looks like saying good-bye to my precious babies. For my cousin it partly looks like raising four preschoolers one of which has special needs including a feeding tube. For my college roommate and dear friend it partly looks like losing her father as a teenager.  For a dear friend and colleague this week it partly looks like holding her mother's hand in the hospital not knowing if she will ever come home on earth or if it is her time to go home to heaven.

We do not have a choice whether or not we will bear a cross, and we do not have a choice what our particular cross might look like each day, but we do have a choice of what to do with our cross. Some choose to buckle under the weight of carrying our crosses ourselves, barely inching along life's road weighed down, tired, and discouraged. Others choose to try to ignore their crosses, paint them up fancy and disguise them to look like something else. Some might just plunk their cross down in the dirt and refuse to go on.

Me, I have chosen to daily pick up my ugly, heavy, pock-marked cross, and follow Jesus. I follow Him because He bears my cross alongside me, shouldering the heavy load. I follow Him because He doesn't disguise it or ignore it, but rather promises to one day exchange it for a crown of glory. I follow Him because He gives me strength to put one foot in front of the other, even when I cannot see where the road I am walking goes up ahead, and I am surrounded by darkness.

And one day when I get that crown of glory, I will lay it down again at His feet and I will be able to say with that great hymn, "All the way, my savior led me!"

FMF: Good

I know it's not Friday, and it will take a bit more than 5 minutes, but I felt this message on my heart this afternoon and just had to share, and since it fit with this week's theme I decided to link up anyway :).


GOOD

GO:

We say that God is good. We say taste and see that the Lord is good. This time last year I had a hard time seeing or tasting the goodness of God as I was seeing nothing but darkness and tasting nothing but bitter tears.

I was questioning why a good God who had conquered death would still allow my beautiful beloved daughter to die before she even got the chance to be born.

This afternoon I was looking through a photo album and found a snapshot of June Bug. She was only about 18 months old, and was sitting in a kitchen cabinet (she had emptied the contents onto the floor), arms crossed, pacifier in her mouth, and such a look of anger and hurt on her face. You see, she had been betrayed.

Earlier that day I had taken my little girl to the doctor to get her vaccinations. I remember holding her on my lap while the nurse jabbed a needle into one chunky little thigh, and then having to hold her even tighter against her struggles and wails as the process was repeated on the other side. She continues to cry as we left the doctor and drove home, and the first thing she did when we got home was to empty out that cabinet and close herself inside, sobbing to herself.

In the toddler mind of June Bug, she had been betrayed. The Mommy who said she loved her little girl, who said she would kiss boo-boos away, who sang lullabies and read bedtime stories, had just held her down and allowed some mean woman to jab needles into both her legs. She was mad. She was hurt. She did NOT want to see Mommy, or talk to Mommy, or have anything to do with Mommy.

In her mind, Mommy was no longer good.

In my mind, God was no longer good.

But June Bug grew. She grew and learned and developed, and when she was four years old it was time for more vaccinations. This time around I was able to explain to her that it was for her own good. That even though the shots would hurt, they would protect her from getting sicknesses that could hurt her much more. I explained that Mommy didn't want to let her hurt, but this hurt would only be small and for a short time, where the sicknesses could cause big hurts for a long time. This time she sat calmly on my lap, and only winced a bit when the needles went in, and then smiled at the Dora band-aids and stickers she was given, the pain of the shots melted away.

I also grew. I grew and learned and developed spiritually. Though I still don't understand the whole plan of why God allowed the pain of losing first Mikayla and then Selah, I do know that my pain does not remove His goodness or love. I know that it hurts Him to see me suffer just as it hurt me to hear June Bug's wails. I know that He want nothing more than to have me run to Him so He can scoop me up in His arms and comfort me, just as I wanted to do with June Bug. Yet so often I go and hide in my cabinet, pouting and sobbing about how unfair it all is while He waits outside ready to shower me with love.

I have opened the cabinet. I have run into those everlasting arms. I trust that one day He will wipe away every tear from my face. I can once again taste and see that the Lord is good. My trials and pain are not bigger than His love. My limited understanding of the reasons does not mean the reasons are bad or wrong.

God IS good.

Day 29: Words that Unite

Day 29 of 31 days of Healing, I'm joining up today with incourage to share that words matter!



Words are things that can bring people together or tear people apart. Going through my journey post-loss, I have seen numerous posts by various people of things to say or not to say to someone who has recently lost a child or baby. Words can encourage and build up, healing a broken heart, or they can tear down and add to the already overwhelming weight of a loss.

I will not offer a list of phrases to say or avoid, but I will say that words are very important. Speak to me. Speak the names of my babies. Do not skirt around the issue, because words shared with a friend can be a healing balm. Listen to me. Let me share my story. Let me put my love into words and paint a picture in your mind of the precious life I carried, though you never got to meet my baby.

I have been blessed by words shared by others, words that unite, words that let me know I am not alone, and the emotions that are boiling over in my heart are a normal and natural reaction from the intense fire of saying goodbye. Words that let me see the beauty that can blossom from the ashes. Words that give me hope for myself that the fire will not always be such a fierce and painful thing, but will settle down to a pleasant warming of love.

I offer up my own words here, both for myself and for others. I have always needed to process feelings through words, but I also hope and pray that my words might also bless those who read here as I have been blessed by the words of others. Most of all I hope that all of my words will point upward to the WORD become flesh who dwelt among us.

Day 15: LIFE!

Day 15 of 31 Days  of Healing is very special to me and near and dear to my heart. I also LOVE that Kate's prompt for today is LIFE! I believe we have a God who is sovereign even (especially?) in the small things - even things like blog prompt words, so I know this is no accident!

Today is special because it is a holiday. Not one you'll see on many calendars, not one you'll get a day off work for, and not one that anyone ever really wants to have a reason to celebrate. It is a holiday I wish there was never any need for, but since we do live in a fallen world where babies die, I am glad there is a day set aside to remember.

Today, October 15th, is set aside as Pregnancy and Infant Loss (PAIL) Remembrance Day.

The Bible talks a lot about remembering, and special times of remembrance for His people. They generally involve remembering God's faithfulness during times of trial and tribulation.

Today this is my day of remembrance of God's faithfulness to me in the midst of Mikayla's stillbirth and Selah's miscarriage. I remember God's faithfulness to me and my family in the days that followed. I proclaim again God's continuing faithfulness to me today and forever!

As part of PAIL remembrance day, people around the world light candles at 7 pm local time and keep them lit for at least one hour. The idea is that this will create a continuous  wave of light around the world.

I lit 4 little tea-light candles tonight. One for Mikayla Sophie, one for Selah, a third for June Bug: one for each of my babies. I wrote their names on their candles. On the fourth I wrote one word: hope. For me this candle represents the hope that God will bring more children into our family when His timing is right.

At one point tonight, I glanced over and all the candles had gone out except for June Bug's. I felt a bit like it was an omen of some kind, that only my living-on-earth child's candle had not gone out. I felt like it was a bad sign that the "hope" candle had gone out, especially!

But then I thought to myself, "What can you do when you start to lose hope?" I realized that the best way to rekindle hope is the way the writers of scripture so often did, by revisiting and remembering God's goodness, grace, mercy, and faithfulness in the past.

I looked at that June Bug candle still brightly glowing in the darkness, and it was very symbolic for me. June Bug is a living picture of God's faithfulness to me. So I used her candle to re-light the others.

As I did so I remembered that my hope is in God's faithfulness, goodness, mercy, and grace. I remembered God's faithfulness and grace in giving June Bug life that continues here on earth, and for giving Mikayla and Selah their brief lives here on earth followed by a life that can never be extinguished.

I thank God for LIFE. For June Bug's life. For Mikayla's life. For Selah's life. For the lives of the children He will bless us with in the future, whether biologically or through adoption or some other way of His choosing. I thank Him most of all for giving us eternal LIFE through His death and resurrection.

So today, we remember. We celebrate the LIFE of these little souls who came to us for a short time before returning to the giver of LIFE.

Day 11: Resources

Ok people. It's day 11 of 31 days of healing and I am feeling very uninspired and can't think of anything to write about, so I decided to look at Carly Marie's Project Heal for ideas and decided to jump back to her day 8: Resource, and list some resources I have found that have helped/are helping on this journey through grief toward healing.

• Project BEAR

This is an awesome ministry which sends teddy bears to anyone grieving the loss of a baby. I ordered one for June Bug which she calls her "Baby Sissy Bear." I found this site after previously seeing Molly Bears and realized I would rather have a simple bear quickly and for free than pay $20 and have to wait possibly years to get a fancy bear. That's just my opinion, though.

• Still Standing

This online resource is a great place to read stories by other parents who have had their children or babies die. There is a lot of encouragement and practical advice on there, as well as just the reassurance that I am not alone in feeling the things I feel or doing the (seemingly odd) things I do after loss. It is affirmation that though loss changes you for life, you can keep standing, and even begin to walk again.

• CarlyMarie

Another resource that encourages healing and working through your grief in productive ways.

• Surprised By Suffering

A great book that helped me explore where my loss and grief fit in with my faith.

• A Place of Healing

Another awesome book that helped me wrestle with the hard issues of faith and God's love in the midst of pain.

• My mother and grandmother 

Two amazing ladies of faith who experienced the pain of losing unborn children themselves. It helped to know that they have traveled this road before me, and went on to live happy, fulfilled and faith-filled lives and have more healthy children.

• The Holy Bible

Through the work of the Holy Spirit helping me to see God's love and faithfulness, and through reading accounts like that of Joseph and Job and Jesus himself who went through great suffering through which God was still faithful and working all things together for good. I am thankful for a God who can take my hurt and brokenness and turn it into beauty.

Day 5: Triggers

This morning I watched my beautiful June Bug sing on a stage, and she did such such an amazing job. Then they brought up the preschoolers to sing. It brought back memories of June Bug's first of such concerts, when she was 2 and got up on stage with her preschool class for their Christmas concert and proceeded to cry through the whole thing with her fingers in her mouth.

It also brought something else. The reminder that I won't get those memories for Mikayla, or for Selah.

In church this morning there were 2 different couples I knew were bringing their tiny babies to church, with everyone crowding around the car seats to coo over the sweet little bundles of joy, as I felt like a boulder had been dropped onto my stomach because those happy moments were ripped from my life.

Then tonight I was watching A Little Princess with June Bug, and when the main character said that her Mama was in heaven along with her baby sister it was all I could do to hold back the blubbering, knowing it was only by the grace of God that June Bug could only relate to half of that statement.

I don't know how long the rawness will last, or how often the scabs of my heart will be ripped off before the new skin finally grows back, leaving only the scar. Some days are better than others, and sometimes I am fine seeing pregnant women, tiny babies, etc. while other times something as simple as two sisters fighting in the supermarket can send me into all-out panic mode,

I am praying that God would work in my heart to help me count my blessings whenever the ugly green jealousy monster shows up. I am praying that He would help me overcome the envy and fill me up with love. I am praying that God would help me to cherish the moments I have with June Bug, without worrying that she may never get a sister or brother here on earth. I am praying that God would keep my heart soft and stop the pain from fermenting into bitterness, but rather blossom it into love and compassion for others.  

I can't stop the triggers from itching at my heart, but I can choose to look for the beauty and goodness of the Lord in all things, and to rejoice with those who rejoice even in the midst of my mourning.

And I will leave you with a poem:

Loved and Lost
Better to have loved and lost?
Even if your heart gets buried and crushed
Under the weight of snow and frost
In the winter of heartache where all joys are hushed?

Even if your heart gets buried and crushed
And all that remains are fragments and dust?
In the winter of heartache where all joys are hushed,
The naked trees whisper of Spring bound to come.

But all that remains are fragments and dust
And a shadow of a shell of a ghost.
Still the naked trees whisper of Spring bound to come,
"Better to have loved and lost!"

Five Minute Friday: Because

 


Joining the 5-minute flash-write. I look forward to Thursday nights to get me through my week. This week's going to be a rough one, though.

Prompt of the week: Because

GO

Why? 

So many questions without answers. Why did I start bleeding? Why couldn't the doctors do anything to stop it? Why didn't I go on bed rest sooner? Why didn't I get tested after June Bug's birth? Why did my baby have to die? Why did I never even hold her, or take pictures, or even touch my precious girl? Why did God let me get pregnant again only to take away that baby, too? Why didn't my insurance card come sooner so I could have gone to the doctors sooner to get an action plan before it was too late? 

Why do I keep beating myself up over choices I made that were the best I could have done with the knowledge I had at the time?

And the only answer I get is the answer God gave to Job. Because. Because I AM. 

Because God is sovereign, and His ways are not my ways. Because the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, and all I can do is say, sing, shout, "Blessed be the Name of the Lord!" 

Someday I will know the because to all of my whys, but for now I am content to cast all my whys and what ifs on the I AM. 

STOP

Five Minute Friday: Reaching Out

Prompt of the week: REACH

GO:

So often we are told to reach for the stars, or reach for our dreams. We are told to chase what we want, and work for what we long for. Shoot for the moon, and don't settle for anything less than perfection.

While it is good to have a goal to work towards, and there is nothing wrong with dreaming, Jesus has called us to do so much more than reach for the stars.

When Peter was walking on water and lost focus and started sinking, he didn't reach for any stars or dreams. He reached for his savior. When I was lying in a hospital bed wracked with contractions, I couldn't do anything to chase my dreams. I could only reach heavenward.

But we can't stop there either. We must reach for our savior, and once He has grasped hold of us, we are then to reach outwards to others. We are told to extend the comfort we have received from Christ out to our hurting brothers and sisters. We are told to hold out to our enemies the same kind of forgiveness we were given when we were enemies of God. We are commanded to go fishing for men, and you can't go fishing without doing some reaching out beyond yourself.

I praise God that He enabled me to reach out and cling tightly to Him in my darkest time of need, and I pray that God would equip me to reach out and extend the same lifeline to others who are in darker times of need because they don't even know which direction to reach.

STOP.

Five Minute Friday: Change

 


Prompt of the week: Change

GO:

It is amazing how quickly your life can change; how a woman can change from longing and hopeful but scared to hope too much, to ecstatic and filled with love and joy in a matter of seconds when those 2 pink lines pop up on the pregnancy test.

Or how she can change from ecstatic and filled with love and joy and hope, to devastated and broken and wondering how this could have just happened when they can't find a heartbeat.

How a missionary can change from being a doctor helping treat victims of an Ebola crisis to being a patient himself.

How an audience can change from seeing a comedian and laughing alongside him to seeing the ugly depths of depression.

How a young man can change from planning his college career to dead on the sidewalk full of bullets in a matter of 3 minutes.

Yes, life can change in an instant, and never be the same again. There are moments that leave you reeling. Change can rip your heart right out of your chest.

But what each life so desperately needs is a change. A change where the heart of stone melts into a heart of flesh.

What this sad and sin-soaked world needs is a change. A change in each individual's heart that will prompt change in a family, a community, a nation, a planet.

And I rest in knowing that NOTHING can change God's love. Not racism or bullets, not depression or suicide, not illness or disease, not stillbirth or aching hearts. God's love is greater than all of it.

God's love is the only thing that will never change. God's love is the only thing that will ever bring the change that we need.

Five Minute Friday: Belong

GO: 

Where do I belong? I feel like my life has been one long struggle to find belonging. 

As I said in my post 10 things about me, I have changed addresses on average once per year of life (a few were longer than a year, but 3.5 is my record, and many have been less than a year). My childhood was a pattern of moving somewhere new, getting to know people, finally making friends, and then after a short time of actually having friends, it was time to go somewhere new. I am what they call a third-culture kid (TCK). Part one thing and part another and really not fitting or belonging anywhere in particular.  

After a while I got so tired and scared of saying good-bye that I stopped letting anyone in beyond hello. I put up my walls and closed off my heart and kept everyone at arm's length.

But no one can live like that. Not for long. It makes for a lonely and sad existence. So I found my courage; courage to let people in. Courage to build relationships even if I knew they would sooner or later be rooted up and tossed aside. Courage to love, even if it meant having my heart broken.

And I discovered something. The only lasting relationships I have ever had with other human beings all have something in common. The only truly meaningful relationships are those that have pointed me closer to my savior. The only lasting friendships are the ones with brothers and sisters in Christ. They are the ones I can count on to be there for anything whenever I need them. 

I figured out where I belong; where my home is. I belong with my savior. My home is the kingdom of heaven. I don't fit in anywhere on this earth because I will only truly fit in when I get to my eternal home. All relationships on this earth will pass away, except those with other citizens of the heavenly kingdom. It is investing in those relationships --  first with Christ and then with other Christians -- that makes this life meaningful and gives us that sense of belonging.

STOP. 

10 Things About Me - Grief Aside

Joining in the linky from http://stillstandingmag.com/2014/07/10-things-grief-aside-link/ tonight to remember that our grief does not define us.

10 things about me:

1. What are you reading right now? I have always been a voracious reader, and as a child often had 3-4 stories going at once. For a few years there I wasn't reading very much anymore except online, but now that I have a Kindle (and found Bookbub) I find myself in the middle of several books at once again :). Currently reading A Place of Healing by Joni Eareckson Tada, Apron Strings by Mary Morony, and just started The Stolen Kingdom by Ross Rosenfield. 

2. Hobbies? Other than reading, I enjoy scrap-booking, card-making, sewing, pretty much anything craftsy

3. What is your favorite food? Ice Cream. Yes, I am serious. No, I won't choose a grown-up food.

4.What have you been procrastinating on? Oh my, what a question! What am I NOT procrastinating on? I guess the biggest right now would be cleaning out my closet that desperately needs it. 

5. What is your perfect idea of a night out? Pizza and lemonade eaten on a blanket on the beach watching the sunset, followed by ice cream and a snuggle in a hammock.

6.  What is your perfect idea of a night in? Curled up in a big comfy chair with a great book and good cup of coffee reading until 3am (after which I get to sleep in until 11) while the husband takes care of June Bug and all the housework. A girl can dream, right?

7. Any bad habits? See #4. Also, I spend too much time on the internet. 

8. What is your favorite color? My favorite colors are green and blue. Blue like a summer sky, and deep dark green like Christmas trees.

9. What is a strange fact about you? If I total up all the houses/apartments/trailers/etc. I have lived in and divide it by my age, it would be less than one. My record for keeping one dwelling place is 3.5 years. 

10. What are you passionate about? This is an easy one, and hopefully it has shown already on my blog. I am passionate about Jesus, and the hope and love that He has poured out into my life, and I am passionately pursuing more bravery to share Him more readily with others.

My hope is that my grief will not define me, but that I can say as Paul says, "For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain."

Still Standing in Memory of Mikayla Sophie, born still April 13, 2014

Five Minute Friday: Lost

GO:

Oh my. Lost. What a topic for me. I could write for 5 days about lost.

I have lost. I lost my baby, my daughter, my love. I lost being pregnant, and 3am feedings, and poopy diapers, and toothless grins. I lost first steps, and first day of school, and first love, and first heart-break. I lost graduation days, and a wedding day, and grandchildren. I lost a lifetime I was looking forward to sharing so much.

I feel lost. Some days I feel like I am drifting through a stormy sea without a compass. I don't know where I am or where I'm going, all I know is the waves keep coming and the clouds keep rolling and the thunder keeps crashing inside my head and it feels like all will be lost.

I hate the word lost. I hate having to say I lost my baby girl. Like she was my car keys or cell phone or insignificant trinket that I misplaced. "She's not actually lost!" I want to scream. I know where she is, I just can't go there to get her and bring her back.

And would I even if I could?

No, I don't think I would, because I know that though she is lost to earth, she has been found by heaven. She has been found by Love incarnate and wrapped in immortal splendor never to be lost again.

I know she has found. She has found happiness and joy worshiping at the feet of the savior. She has found an everlasting home where no tear will ever have to fall from her eyes. She has found peace and everlasting mercy.

I know that I can find my way. Because I know where my Mikayla is, I may miss her every day, but I know where to find my happiness and my joy and my peace. And it is worshiping at the feet of that same savior who holds her in His arms, because He carries me, too. He has found me and ransomed me and will never let me go.

Though I can never get back all the moments I wish I could have shared on Earth with Mikayla, I know they all pale in comparison to the joyous eternity of praising God side-by-side with my daughter.

I once was lost, but now am found. To live is Christ, and to die is gain.

5 Minute Friday: Messenger

GO:

A messenger. Do I have enough courage to be a messenger? One who might be used to bring messages of hope and healing to others? Will I go out on that limb and put myself out there in order to help others to know they are not alone?

Since Mikayla went to heaven, I have felt the desire to do something for other mothers who will most assuredly walk this horrible path after me. I want to comfort others with the same comfort I have received.

I haven't figured out the best way to go about it, but I do feel like there should be something for our local hospital to give to families to take home when they can't take home their precious babies. I was given nothing, and had to seek out resources on my own. Thankfully I found them, but how wonderful it would be to have been given a packet of them all at once.

I am not typically the organizer or go-getter. I am generally more content to sit in the sidelines and cheer on others, or help behind the scenes. But I feel like there aren't others to cheer or help right now, so maybe I need to be the one to rally some troops, to get the message out that there is a need to be filled. A need for mothers to not leave the hospital full of regrets and empty arms, but rather full of memories and recognition that their precious child lived and mattered and matters still.

A friend posted something on Facebook today about her business looking for causes or charities to raise money for. Maybe if I email her, that can be the beginning of something beautiful and healing for local loss moms. What am I afraid of?

How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news. I have a chance to bring a message of hope and compassion to those facing the most difficult days of their lives. So what is holding me back?

STOP.

P.s. I would love to hear some ideas in the comments section of what could be included in some type of packet for parents who experience miscarriage, stillbirth, or newborn loss. I was thinking maybe a teddy bear, baby blanket, brochure of local and on-line grief and loss resources, etc?