Day 6: What I Know for Sure

Day 6 of 31 Days of Healing

In the wake of tragedy, so often we let our emotions run wild. Comfort and peace, however, are found in what I know about God and His plans for my life. I decided today to follow Kate's prompt: Know, and make a list of truths to repeat over to myself when I am tempted to give in to despair and anxiety and worry.

I KNOW:

• That God is on His throne  Isaiah 46:9-10  "I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me, declaring the end from the beginning and from ancient times things not yet done, saying, ‘My counsel shall stand, and I will accomplish all my purpose.’"

• That He is working all things together for good (Romans 8:28)

• That my babies are in heaven, free from suffering in the arms of Jesus Revelation 21:4 "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

• That He who began a good work in me WILL carry it through to completion (Philippians 1:6)

• That I do not need to be anxious about anything, but rather I need to in everything by prayer and petition and with thanksgiving present my requests to God (Philippians 4:6)

There are so many things I don't know, and so many questions I still have, but I do KNOW that God is good all the time, and all the time, God is good. 

Day 5: Triggers

This morning I watched my beautiful June Bug sing on a stage, and she did such such an amazing job. Then they brought up the preschoolers to sing. It brought back memories of June Bug's first of such concerts, when she was 2 and got up on stage with her preschool class for their Christmas concert and proceeded to cry through the whole thing with her fingers in her mouth.

It also brought something else. The reminder that I won't get those memories for Mikayla, or for Selah.

In church this morning there were 2 different couples I knew were bringing their tiny babies to church, with everyone crowding around the car seats to coo over the sweet little bundles of joy, as I felt like a boulder had been dropped onto my stomach because those happy moments were ripped from my life.

Then tonight I was watching A Little Princess with June Bug, and when the main character said that her Mama was in heaven along with her baby sister it was all I could do to hold back the blubbering, knowing it was only by the grace of God that June Bug could only relate to half of that statement.

I don't know how long the rawness will last, or how often the scabs of my heart will be ripped off before the new skin finally grows back, leaving only the scar. Some days are better than others, and sometimes I am fine seeing pregnant women, tiny babies, etc. while other times something as simple as two sisters fighting in the supermarket can send me into all-out panic mode,

I am praying that God would work in my heart to help me count my blessings whenever the ugly green jealousy monster shows up. I am praying that He would help me overcome the envy and fill me up with love. I am praying that God would help me to cherish the moments I have with June Bug, without worrying that she may never get a sister or brother here on earth. I am praying that God would keep my heart soft and stop the pain from fermenting into bitterness, but rather blossom it into love and compassion for others.  

I can't stop the triggers from itching at my heart, but I can choose to look for the beauty and goodness of the Lord in all things, and to rejoice with those who rejoice even in the midst of my mourning.

And I will leave you with a poem:

Loved and Lost
Better to have loved and lost?
Even if your heart gets buried and crushed
Under the weight of snow and frost
In the winter of heartache where all joys are hushed?

Even if your heart gets buried and crushed
And all that remains are fragments and dust?
In the winter of heartache where all joys are hushed,
The naked trees whisper of Spring bound to come.

But all that remains are fragments and dust
And a shadow of a shell of a ghost.
Still the naked trees whisper of Spring bound to come,
"Better to have loved and lost!"

Day 4: Learn

Day 4 of 31 days of healing

I have always loved to learn. Since I was 4 years old and learned to read, I have devoured information. I can spout off facts about any number of subjects. However, there is a difference between learning and putting into practice.

I have read my Bible cover to cover several times, and of course favorite passages get read more often than say, Numbers or Amos. But it has only been in the past few years that I have truly learned what it is to be a Christian and what it means to take up my cross and follow Christ.

Thanks to the Holy Spirit and the encouragement of brothers and sisters in Christ, I am learning how to walk worthy of the calling I have received. It is not an easy road! It is full of bumps and potholes and scary curves, but I am also learning that my savior is better and sweeter than I ever imagined. He has drawn near to me in a way I never thought possible, and given me strength I could never have had on my own.

And that is what is holding me together.

Day 3 and FMF: Making All Things New

Part 3 of my 31 days project, and a Five Minute Friday on the word NEW

Go:

So many people talk about finding the "new normal" after a loss. Real normal will never be achieved again, because losing someone you love permeates every aspect of your life. I understand better now how sin and death entering the world had such a profound impact on every single corner of creation, because I have experienced the way the entrance of death into my life and the lives of my husband and daughter has had a profound impact on every corner of our lives.

The good news is, we can and will find a "new normal." Inevitably we will find ways to cope with the waves of grief, develop new habits and rituals, and carry on with our daily lives even though everything has been turned on its head. 

The important thing is knowing where to find the "new normal" and how to go about establishing it. 

We could fall back on sinful desires and habits - drowning our sorrows in alcohol, drugs, or even just too many hours spent in front of a computer screen (Candy Crush, anyone?). We could allow worry and anxiety to take over, because of all people we are entitled to do so, right? We could seek meaning through our own works, starting a non-profit organization; making donations of goods and time in our children's names; rituals and traditions we create. 

But the better way is to fall back on the God who is making all things new - seeking peace in the Word; drinking deep of His grace; spending hours on our knees. We should cast all our cares on Him and in everything through prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present our requests to God.

(Time is up, but I want to continue...)

We ought to seek meaning not in our own works, but in His work in and through us, which very well may look like starting a non-profit organization, donating goods and time, and creating new rituals and traditions (raising Ebeneezers?). 

Sin and death may appear to rule the world at the moment, but Hallelujah! Our God is making all things new, including our broken hearts and lives.

Day 2: Point of View

I'm back for day 2 of the 31-day writing challenge, and decided to also join Kate Motaung doing a five-minute free-write on the topic: View.

GO:

Why is it so easy for us to fix our view on the past, dwelling on what has already taken place, mulling over the "what if"s and the "if only"s. Wondering if maybe things could have, should have, would have been different if...

It's also easy to fix my view on the future, giving in to anxiety and dwelling on fears of the unknown. Fears that history will repeat itself and I will be asked to give up a baby too soon again.

Why is it so hard sometimes to view everything through the proper lens? The glasses that God wants us to put on?

Instead of wondering about and lamenting the past, I should be focusing on what I can and should be doing right now. Spending time in the word. Building relationships. Worshiping. Fishing for men. Making disciples.

Instead of worrying about and fearing the future, I should be looking toward eternity. Remembering always that this life is not the end, and my treasure must not be found here where moth and rust destroy and thieves break in and steal and death snatches away life and seems to have the last laugh. Instead I should be building up treasure in heaven where moth and rust do not destroy and thieves cannot break in a steal and where LIFE has swallowed up death in a final and decisive victory.

Lord, grant me your point of view.

STOP

Day 1: Moving towards Healing

After Mikayla was stillborn, I had been bleeding for almost 2 months, and on bed rest for nearly a month. Add to that insomnia and grief, and I was pretty much zapped of all energy for a while. Even walking up the stairs to our apartment had me winded and weak in the knees.

I was feeling better by summer, but a month of vacation did little to motivate me toward exercise. Then I started a new job - busy, busy. Shortly after which I found out I was pregnant with Selah and first-trimester exhaustion kicked my butt.

Needless to say, it is high time I get back into a good exercise routine! I'm thinking of trying out some yoga, since I had been doing a prenatal yoga I found on YouTube while I was pregnant with Mikayla and found I really enjoyed it.

Anyone have tips for getting/keeping yourself motivated to exercise?

31 Days of Healing

I've decided to try and stretch myself a bit and join up with http://write31days.com/  to write every day in October. I may also join in some of the 5-minute free-write prompts at http://katemotaung.com if I feel inspired.

I chose to name my 31 days project: 31 Days of Healing as I continue on my journey of searching for healing from the Great Physician in the wake of losing a daughter to stillbirth and another baby to miscarriage. I hope that it may also be a journey of physical healing as I may soon get some of the answers I so desperately searched for earlier only to be told "everything was normal" when my intuition screams that it wasn't and isn't.

I am glad to be a part of this project, and I know writing has been a big part of my healing journey thus far and will continue to be. There is a reason John refers to Jesus as the Word. There is power in words, and Jesus is the ultimate Word by which all my faltering lisping words begin to come together and make sense.

Happy reading and writing!

Day 1: Moving Toward Healing
Day 2: Point of View
Day 3: Making All Things New
Day 4: Learn
Day 5: Triggers
Day 6: Know
Day 7: Sore
Day 8: Little Yellow Duck Feet
Day 9: Join the Praise
Day 10: Care
Day 11: Resources
Day 12: I will Give you Rest
Day 13: 13 Revisited
Day 14: Away
Day 15: LIFE!
Day 16: Adjusting to a New Normal
Day 17: Long