Day 13: 13 Revisited

Day 13 of 31 days of healing 


Well here it is again. The 13th. That date I dread every month. This month in particular because it is the 6 month mark. I cannot believe it has been half a year since I said goodbye to my sweet Mikayla Sophie. In some ways it seems like it was ages ago and I was a completely different person then. In other ways, it seems it was just yesterday the two of us were enjoying some hot chocolate together as I lay in the hospital on bed rest with multiple tubes running in and out of my body and I was so full of hope.

I think I am doing better now than I was 3 months ago. I have fewer bad days, and they are less severe when they do come. I am generally staying on top of things and beginning to find my equilibrium in the "new normal."

I do feel like I am healing, slowly, bit by bit, being knit back together.

Today still hurts.

Day 7: Sore

Day 7 of 31 Days of Healing

Well, since Day 1 when I wrote about needing to exercise more, I have indeed tried to do better with that. Last night I did 20 minutes of Pilates, and boy am I feeling it today! My legs were aching walking up and down the stairs at work, and my arms are protesting any time I lift anything heavier than a pencil today!

But one thing I have noticed since losing Mikayla, is that I find myself getting sore whenever my grief is beginning to bubble up. Even (especially?) if I haven't done any exercise or anything to cause soreness, I feel my shoulders, neck, and upper back getting tense and just aching. I think it is a physical mirror of my emotionally aching heart.

I noticed it was very bad right around Mikayla's due date, and in the beginning it would happen every Saturday afternoon through Sunday morning as I marked another week without my sweet girl. This week I was really sore on Monday even though I didn't work out Sunday or Monday.

I wish I had money to get a massage every time this happens, but instead I try to find the emotions that are building up, and put them into words either here or in my journal, or sometimes just pouring them out in prayer to God. Then I take some time to relax and focus on the many blessing that God has given me. This doesn't completely take away the physical pain, but it does help to ease it, and does wonders for the emotional side of things. Of course, a nice hot shower or a soak in the tub helps, too!

Day 5: Triggers

This morning I watched my beautiful June Bug sing on a stage, and she did such such an amazing job. Then they brought up the preschoolers to sing. It brought back memories of June Bug's first of such concerts, when she was 2 and got up on stage with her preschool class for their Christmas concert and proceeded to cry through the whole thing with her fingers in her mouth.

It also brought something else. The reminder that I won't get those memories for Mikayla, or for Selah.

In church this morning there were 2 different couples I knew were bringing their tiny babies to church, with everyone crowding around the car seats to coo over the sweet little bundles of joy, as I felt like a boulder had been dropped onto my stomach because those happy moments were ripped from my life.

Then tonight I was watching A Little Princess with June Bug, and when the main character said that her Mama was in heaven along with her baby sister it was all I could do to hold back the blubbering, knowing it was only by the grace of God that June Bug could only relate to half of that statement.

I don't know how long the rawness will last, or how often the scabs of my heart will be ripped off before the new skin finally grows back, leaving only the scar. Some days are better than others, and sometimes I am fine seeing pregnant women, tiny babies, etc. while other times something as simple as two sisters fighting in the supermarket can send me into all-out panic mode,

I am praying that God would work in my heart to help me count my blessings whenever the ugly green jealousy monster shows up. I am praying that He would help me overcome the envy and fill me up with love. I am praying that God would help me to cherish the moments I have with June Bug, without worrying that she may never get a sister or brother here on earth. I am praying that God would keep my heart soft and stop the pain from fermenting into bitterness, but rather blossom it into love and compassion for others.  

I can't stop the triggers from itching at my heart, but I can choose to look for the beauty and goodness of the Lord in all things, and to rejoice with those who rejoice even in the midst of my mourning.

And I will leave you with a poem:

Loved and Lost
Better to have loved and lost?
Even if your heart gets buried and crushed
Under the weight of snow and frost
In the winter of heartache where all joys are hushed?

Even if your heart gets buried and crushed
And all that remains are fragments and dust?
In the winter of heartache where all joys are hushed,
The naked trees whisper of Spring bound to come.

But all that remains are fragments and dust
And a shadow of a shell of a ghost.
Still the naked trees whisper of Spring bound to come,
"Better to have loved and lost!"

Welcome to the Roller Coaster!

Well, I don't know where to start so I'll just come out and say it: We're expecting! June-Bug and Mikayla will (Lord Willing) be big sisters in May!

The emotions are all. over. the. place. One minute I am elated and so excited I could burst, and the next I am weeping and fearful and over-analyzing every little twinge.

I have decided that the only way to hang on is to take it day by day. Each morning, I am going to wake up and thank God for another day to carry this precious child. If one morning happens to be my last and this rainbow dissolves in more storm clouds, then so be it. I know where my shelter lies, and He is strong enough to see me through any storm that may come my way.

Either way, this baby will get to live; either with me and his/her father and big sister June Bug; or with Jesus and his/her Heavenly father, and big sister Mikayla.

God is good all the time! All the time, God is good!