Missing Mikayla: Day 13: 13 Revisited

Monday, October 13, 2014

Day 13: 13 Revisited

Day 13 of 31 days of healing

Well here it is again. The 13th. That date I dread every month. This month in particular because it is the 6 month mark. I cannot believe it has been half a year since I said goodbye to my sweet Mikayla Sophie. In some ways it seems like it was ages ago and I was a completely different person then. In other ways, it seems it was just yesterday the two of us were enjoying some hot chocolate together as I lay in the hospital on bed rest with multiple tubes running in and out of my body and I was so full of hope.

I think I am doing better now than I was 3 months ago. I have fewer bad days, and they are less severe when they do come. I am generally staying on top of things and beginning to find my equilibrium in the "new normal."

I do feel like I am healing, slowly, bit by bit, being knit back together.

Today still hurts.

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Mikayla's Story

I found out I was pregnant in December of 2013. We told family at Christmas, and everyone was so excited, especially June Bug. She had been praying for a baby brother for about 2 years. Everything was great until at almost 15 weeks, I started bleeding. I was told it was due to a placenta previa. I was put on pelvic rest and told to take it easy.

Then at almost 19 weeks, I had 2 pretty big bleeding episodes, passed some huge blood clots, and apparently ruptured my membranes, because the scan they did the next morning showed almost no amniotic fluid. The doctors said I would most likely miscarry in the next 48 hours, and they might have to do surgery on me if they couldn't control the bleeding. I stayed in the hospital 4 days not even allowed to get out of bed. The doctors were surprised we made it that far, and let me go home on bed rest. Again all looked okay, and though I was still spotting, baby was still going strong and kicking. During this time we learned baby liked hot chocolate and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. My husband and daughter both got to feel kicks, and we were hopeful for a miracle.

At 21 weeks 5 days, I had an upset stomach after dinner. I thought it was something I ate, and after drinking some mint tea and lying down for a while I felt better. At 3am the next morning I woke up and was having strong contractions. We went to the ER, and called some friends to take our daughter.

The ultrasound showed no heartbeat. About 2 hours later our baby was born still on April 13.

I am still trying to sort out my emotions about it all. I am thankful that our little Mikayla Sophie (Who is like God in His wisdom?) never knew pain or suffering, but went from being enveloped in my motherly love in my womb, to being enveloped in God's fatherly love in His arms. I am thankful for those extra weeks I got to carry her and get to know her and feel her and shower her with love. And most of all I am thankful for the comfort that comes from knowing I will see my Mikayla again. That though I am missing her now, it is only temporary, and my current trials are not even worth comparing to the future glory that will be revealed! The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord!