Tuesday, July 15, 2014

My Firefly

I have been a part of an on-line Mommy forum site since I was pregnant with June Bug. She has been June Bug on there since she was born in June.

When I found out I was pregnant with Mikayla, I started referring to her on the forums as Firefly. It went well with June Bug. I didn't know if the baby was a boy or girl, but an August due date reminds me of summer nights as a child catching fireflies in a mason jar with holes poked in the lid, enjoying their flashes of brilliance from the front porch swing with siblings and cousins, always at the end of the night to take of the lid and watch them all fly off in a frenzy of flashes.

Tonight I Googled fireflies. I have been contemplating trying to paint something with fireflies and/or get some kind of jewelry featuring fireflies to honor Mikayla.

What I found is that while there are many options for butterflies and dragonflies, fireflies are sorely under-represented in the jewelry department. I guess the reason is that during the day, fireflies are actually quite boring. Black wings, with some brown and a tiny bit of red for accents. They are dark and somber. It is only when the sun goes down and the darkness comes that these ugly bugs show off their true beauty.

This is the first time I have though of it that way, but stillbirth is something like a firefly. When you meet it and inspect it, it looks ugly and dark. The grief of it overwhelms. But when I give in to the grief, let the sadness in and embrace it, I suddenly begin to see little glimmers of light. Little flashes of hope and joy that stand out all the brighter for the inky blackness around them.

I can try to catch those bugs in a mason jar and hold them tight, but at the end of the night I know I have to let them go to truly enjoy the splendor of them. I held Mikayla for a short time in my womb, but it is only since she has flown away to heaven that I have come to see more clearly the deepness of God's love and mercy and His majestic light in the midst of darkness in my soul.

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