Missing Mikayla: Five Minute Friday: Mess

Friday, May 2, 2014

Five Minute Friday: Mess

I've been lurking on Lisa-Jo Baker's sight for a while now, and today I decided to jump right in and join the 5 minute Friday crowd and start a blog of my own. So here goes:

Mess

I feel like my whole life is mess right now. I am a mess. My emotions are a mess. All of my wonderful plans for the coming years have turned into one big mess.

Financially, I'm a mess. Behind on payments on my student loans, and almost nothing left in my checking account.

Professionally, I'm a mess. My current job is not renewing my contract, and I haven't found a new job yet and am losing hope that I will ever be gainfully employed again.

Emotionally, I am a mess. My daughter Mikayla was born straight to heaven 2 weeks and 5 days ago. I no longer have an answer for "How are you?" I don't even know. I still exist, I think. But I have no idea how I am. Everything is a tangled mess.

My house is a mess. I was on bed rest and in and out of the hospital for the past 2 months, and husbands never really keep things the way they should, but to be honest things weren't the way they should have been even before that because let's face it: I'm lazy. And now my attention span is about 20 seconds on each task and I never finish anything.

My marriage is a mess. My husband and I are both stressed about all the other messes, and instead of putting our shoulders together and cleaning up the steaming piles of messes together, we have been throwing them at each other.

Mess.

Please, God. Rescue me from the mess. Wash my mess in your blood and bring me out the other side with your white robes of holiness. Thank you for loving me when all I have to offer you is my mess.

(Ok, so I cheated a little and took 8 minutes, but I didn't go back to edit anything, just couldn't stop at the 5 minutes because it needed some hope)

1 comment:

Anonymous5:25 PM, March 07, 2015
I know that it has been almost a year since this post, but I thought that I would share. When I have been ridiculously overwhelmed, especially with basic things like housework, bills, etc, sometimes the best thing was to start moving.I usually started with a hot, relaxing bath where I would pray and pour out my heart to the Father until I calmed down (sometimes Bible Reading, Christian audiobook/podcasts). Then I would start planning. I love FlyLady.net for housecleaning, since it was always just one step at a time, and I would work out a budget for all the paychecks it would take to be back on track with my bills (loved Dave Ramsey for this one). The good thing about both of those sites/books is that they are both Christians who seem to specialize in encouragement when I needed it most, especially in times of grief, or depression when I didn't know how to basically function.
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Mikayla's Story

I found out I was pregnant in December of 2013. We told family at Christmas, and everyone was so excited, especially June Bug. She had been praying for a baby brother for about 2 years. Everything was great until at almost 15 weeks, I started bleeding. I was told it was due to a placenta previa. I was put on pelvic rest and told to take it easy.

Then at almost 19 weeks, I had 2 pretty big bleeding episodes, passed some huge blood clots, and apparently ruptured my membranes, because the scan they did the next morning showed almost no amniotic fluid. The doctors said I would most likely miscarry in the next 48 hours, and they might have to do surgery on me if they couldn't control the bleeding. I stayed in the hospital 4 days not even allowed to get out of bed. The doctors were surprised we made it that far, and let me go home on bed rest. Again all looked okay, and though I was still spotting, baby was still going strong and kicking. During this time we learned baby liked hot chocolate and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. My husband and daughter both got to feel kicks, and we were hopeful for a miracle.

At 21 weeks 5 days, I had an upset stomach after dinner. I thought it was something I ate, and after drinking some mint tea and lying down for a while I felt better. At 3am the next morning I woke up and was having strong contractions. We went to the ER, and called some friends to take our daughter.

The ultrasound showed no heartbeat. About 2 hours later our baby was born still on April 13.

I am still trying to sort out my emotions about it all. I am thankful that our little Mikayla Sophie (Who is like God in His wisdom?) never knew pain or suffering, but went from being enveloped in my motherly love in my womb, to being enveloped in God's fatherly love in His arms. I am thankful for those extra weeks I got to carry her and get to know her and feel her and shower her with love. And most of all I am thankful for the comfort that comes from knowing I will see my Mikayla again. That though I am missing her now, it is only temporary, and my current trials are not even worth comparing to the future glory that will be revealed! The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord!